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Circa 2013ish, after torching my life to spend two-ish years in a high-demand group, I found myself languishing in my childhood bedroom trying to sort out what was up from what was down.
High-demand groups (yes, cults) operate by warping one’s thinking and creating an environment with a set of norms and values that are distinct from mainstream society. What is prized by the “regular” world is often shunned by the high demand group. Here’s a seemingly insignificant personal example that was surprisingly pretty difficult for me to conquer after leaving the cult: while I was in the group I came to believe that decorating my apartment was a distraction from spiritual growth, and that my desire to do so was evidence that I was deviating from my spiritual destiny.
I’m cringing as I write this. It’s obvious to all of you how this line of thinking starts in a fairly logical place but ends up going way too far. Yet, I was willing to follow it there (albeit, for less than two years).
How did I let my thinking end up in such an extreme place?
I had a quarter life crisis that was more rebellious than most 20-somethings: I burned down a marriage, joined what I thought was a hippie/spiritual commune, and left my medical training. The group I was with prioritized letting go of all of the trappings of a middle or upper-middle class life in service of spiritual growth — a deeper level of wealth than just money or status. I found myself here partly because I was disillusioned with the failings of mainstream medicine and psychiatry. I also had come to believe that the “rules” I grew up with were scams (eg. go to good schools, get married, become a doctor). A group of people who told me I could abandon all of that superficial stuff found me, and I was hooked.
Now, on one hand, my quarter-life existential crisis was not all together unreasonable. I was raised in a South Asian patriarchal Hindu household and, after that, by a patriarchal and colonist academic medical system. The aforementioned systems have their weighty share of inconsistencies and hypocrisies. And, to be fair, I had the privilege of not having student loans so I could take a leave from my psychiatry training without being saddled with a six-figure price tag. Many medical students and residents do not have this luxury.
On the other hand, in overthrowing the gurus of my adolescence and young adulthood, I mistakenly came to the conclusion that the ideals they prescribed — a focus on academic achievement, learning a profession, making money, maintaining ones’ reputation in the community — were wrong.
But, on that day in 2013, as I stared at the American Girl doll that was still perched on my childhood desk, I realized that in a capitalist and colonist country the traditional milestones were not so misguided1.
Unlike what the group prescribed, the answer was not to destitute myself for the sake of principle. The answer was to gain enough power and to give back. The ideals that my family and my profession valued were not inherently bad — in order to earn generational wealth and thus, psychological safety — they were fair goals. You have a better chance of influencing the system and making it better for the next generation when you come from a place of relative safety — and in turn, power — because you can then take risks without dying (metaphorically speaking)2.
Where I went wrong is that my reasons for chasing the milestones were misguided. I believed that achieving the socially prescribed ideals was the way to “win” at life (cringe). If I checked each bucket, I could rest assured happiness and contentment would, poof, appear in front of me (despite generally being miserable along the way, but that’s another story).
In short, I had not learned how to think for myself.
This might sound like a leap since it certainly seemed like I was great at thinking: I had mastered medical school — I was a doctor. But, turns out, one can get pretty far in life without learning how to think.
Grad school, especially trade schools like medicine and law, delay decision making and thus, discourage critical thinking. This might sound counter-intuitive because law school seemingly focuses on crafting a well-reasoned argument, and medicine requires one to translate huge amounts of information into action. Yet, neither teach nor encourage students to think critically about how they want to live their lives and what they want their legacy to be.
To be clear, while I for sure hold some resentment against these institutions, I don’t blame my lack of learning on my parents. As immigrants they did not have the privilege of valuing the type of education that engenders critical thinking. My parents came to America and had to assimilate to a foreign culture. They were in survival mode for most of their lives. And, I too, as the first woman in my family to go to medical school, was in survival mode, trying to fit into the mostly white, upper-class club of folks that composed academic medicine and psychiatry.
When physical and emotional safety is your primary consideration, taking the time to learn how to think is a luxury. Instead, you operate on instinct and by imitating what those close to power do in order to stay safe enough. This is how you survive.
So, what’s my point here?
If you’re a woman, if you’re a minority, if you came from a home where there was abuse or mental illness, if you have a disability, if you are queer, then there are likely aspects of your life where you did not learn how to think critically and instead, had to operate on instinct and the drive to survive.
And, why I am I telling you all this tonight?
Well, I’m still thinking about Mother’s Day and a piece I’m still working on about motherhood. I want to raise my son so that he has the freedom to come to his own conclusions, and the critical thinking skills to get there in a manner that is safe, and, hopefully, sometimes, fun.
Also, I’m spending the weekend putting together a first draft Table of Contents for my next book. In the past week, I’ve heard my inner critic pop up: what if my second book doesn’t measure up to my first? There is also my saboteur: am I really ready to embark on this journey of birth & (re) birth again?
Then, I had a thought as I was falling asleep last night: as long as I keep teaching others (and, myself) how to think (and, not what to think), I’ll be on the right track.
xo,
Pooja
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You are reading Real Self-Care, the email newsletter written by psychiatrist and best-selling author Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD.
Yes, a Samantha.
By safety I am referring to financial and psychological safety, which I increasingly believe correlates with generational wealth and the safety it offers.
So many great points in this article. It's absolutely true that living in survival mode stunts the ability to think critically and bigger picture and make non-practical decisions based on your values or morals. It's sad that people who have been privileged and safe their whole life often don't realize this and think those less fortunate than them are just ignorant or dumb for not seeing things as critically as they do.
What a great article! It resonated on many levels. Looking forward to your next book. ❤️