Real Self-Care is like Compound Interest For the Brain
The returns build exponentially.
I just got back from LA, where I gave a keynote at Mount Saint Mary’s University for the annual Report on the Status of Women and Girls in California.
You can read the full report here for free. I highly recommend browsing it — the 70 page highly detailed (and, very aesthetically pleasing) report was put together by Dr. Nicole Amber Haggard PhD, the Director of the Center for the Advancement of Women at Mount Saint Mary’s, and her team. Mount Saint Mary’s has been producing this report since 2011; it’s the only comprehensive data source of its kind. If I sound like a fan-girl, it’s because I am. My mother graduated from a women’s college (in India), and Mount Saint Mary’s is the the only women’s university in Los Angeles. It’s been ranked as #1 in student mobility by US News & World Report and #3 for transforming the life path and earnings of its students by Money Magazine.
For today’s newsletter, I want to share an “aha” I had while listening to a panel called Money Matters: Investing in Women’s Futures.
When asked about what mistake she wished she could take back about her financial life, Samantha Craig Vient, a financial advisor at Ellevest, said that she wished she had put money in the stock market earlier. She went on to say that she waited too long to get into investing because she didn’t think she had enough money to put in, and had never learned how to invest. Because of that, Samantha missed out on the exponential rewards of compound interest.
For those of you who are not familiar with compound interest, here’s a short definition, taken from Investopedia:
The power of compounding helps a sum of money grow faster than if just simple interest were calculated on the principal alone. And the greater the number of compounding periods, the greater the compound interest growth will be. For savings and investments, compound interest is your friend, as it multiplies your money at an accelerated rate. But if you have debt, compounding of the interest you owe can make it increasingly difficult to pay off.
TLDR: when you put a pot of money in the stock market, it accrues interest (gains). Every year, the original pot of money you put in gets bigger because of said interest. But not only that, the interest it earns every year ALSO earns more money. So, over time, the return on your investment stops growing in a linear fashion, and grows in a more exponential fashion.
My first thought upon hearing this was the line from 30 Rock where Liz Lemon says to Jack: teach me the way that rich people turn money into more money. My second thought was: this applies to real self-care.
Here’s what I mean: when you own your self-care (when it’s internal to you in the form of real self-care: boundaries, compassion, values and power) the agency and power you gain builds on itself over time. Every time you practice real self-care, you are building a muscle that will continue to pay off in addition to and on top of each new situation in your life that you apply it to.
For those of you who are new here, a brief recap: real self-care is an internal process. It consists of four principles: boundaries, compassion, values, and power. In contrast to faux self-care (eg. the juice cleanses, the bubble-baths, and the bullet journals), which keeps you stuck in a cycle of consumerism and consumption wherein you need to earn your mental health and well-being externally, with real self-care your well-being is internally generated. It is self-sustaining. Real self-care always leads to a shift in the power dynamics in your relationships, and, in the best of cases, it can lead to systemic and social change (eg. the mom who sets boundaries, talks to herself with compassion, speaks up at work, and ends up enacting policy change). Like with compound interest, the impact of real self-care is exponential.
Give me some examples:
If you learn how to set boundaries with work in your 20’s, then in your 30’s, when you have a toxic boss, you are positioned to more easily recognize that the problem is not you — it’s that your boss doesn’t have boundaries (or, that the problem is late-stage capitalism). Because you have been practicing boundaries for awhile, you are going to be more likely to have a social life outside of work and say yes to social invitations that feel nourishing. And then, when your friend from college tells you that she just got a new job at a start up that is looking for an engineer, and maybe you should apply, you will be poised to submit your resume. Not only do you avoid burnout because you know how to handle an overbearing boss, but also, you’ve also directed your energy in a way that allows a new opportunity to find you.
The bad news is that the interest on debt accrues in the same way, but in the opposite direction. Let’s say you haven’t learned to set boundaries while in your 20’s or 30’s. Using the above situation as an example, you might find yourself in a workplace with a toxic boss. If you haven’t learned real self-care, you will internalize the toxicity and blame yourself. You’ll ignore your own boundaries, and stay later, work harder, and treat yourself more poorly. Not only will you stay in that job for longer than you should, your mental health will suffer, and you'll be less likely to have a new opportunity come to you.
After the Mount Saint Mary’s event a woman asked me if it was too late for her to start practicing real self-care. She was in her 70’s, and wondered if change was possible or even worth the effort. I get this question fairly regularly, and so I thought it was worth sharing here an email I received from a reader:
I heard an interview with you on NPR about Real Self Care. I have listened to your book numerous times because I wanted your advice to really sink in. Your advice and "rules" have changed my life. I'm no longer a doormat to my husband, and I assert myself with friends and family. I have developed self-respect and others demonstrably respect me more. And they still love me. I turn 70 years old in a few weeks and am happier than I've been in decades! It's hard for me to express the depth of my heartfelt gratitude and appreciation to you. Thank you!
It’s never, ever too late to start. What do you have to lose?1
xo,
Pooja
Your calls to action
Here are some touchpoint to put what we covered today into action.
To do:
Pick one activity or task this week to set a boundary on, and forecast into the future how said boundary might help your Future Self. For example, maybe it’s a Friday at 4pm call that you know is pointless but that you’ve been avoiding setting a clear boundary. If you were to send an email, asking to move or cancel this call, how would that help Future You?
Pick one activity or task going on this week that makes you want to lay down and take a nap. Ask yourself if Past You could have had a different conversation or made a different choice that could have lead to a better week for Current You.
(These exercises are a bit heady! I’d love to hear from you in the comments, or reply back to this email — does the connection between real self-care and money make sense to you? Where are you feeling stuck?)
To remember:
You may not see the real self-care return on investment instantly, but over time, the benefits build until you reach a tipping point.
To read:
I was interviewed for the Skimm’s Money newsletter this week: Dr. Pooja Lakshmin on the Importance of Building Your Personal Hype File
I’m hosting a Live QA for paid subscribers next week (on Thursday April 4). The recording will be sent out to all paid subscribers. Upgrade to paid below to get access.
From the Archives
If you found today’s newsletter helpful, you will enjoy these pieces from the Real Self-Care Archives:
I’ll also share what one REI said to me during a consultation when I was around 36ish, asking if it was pointless to freeze my eggs. I told her that I was worried I was too old and she said, “Today’s the youngest that your eggs will ever be!” (As an aside, 36 is absolutely not too young to freeze eggs! But that’s another post)