On Confidence
Brief thoughts on SXSW and belonging.
Circa 2014, I was living in Washington DC, finishing up my psychiatry residency at George Washington University. I was in my early 30’s, had left the cult-like group about a year prior, and was seeing my psychoanalyst in Dupont Circle twice a week. At that time, I had not yet found my partner Justin1.
There’s a specific memory that stands out to me about this time. I was at a Barre class in Logan Circle. In the middle of the session, I remember glancing up at myself in the mirror and seeing the reflection of a beautiful woman. For the first time that I can remember in my life, I saw myself as pretty. It was a revelation. My next thought was — “I don’t need to keep trying to be pretty. I just need to be more me.”
You’re probably wondering why I’m sharing this story. Looking at the image above of me speaking to a packed room at SXSW, you might think that I’ve always been confident. In reality, I have not, and I am not always so.
I grew up in a mostly white middle-class town about two hours from Philadelphia. I was one of a handful of South Asian people in my school. I always felt other because of the color of my skin, how frizzy my hair was, and how thick my eyebrows were. I protected myself from the bullying and racism I experienced by working really really hard to excel in school. I got into Ivy league schools and became a doctor. But that still wasn’t enough. I got a nose job in my mid-twenties, believing that I needed to do more. I left a prestigious residency program and joined a commune/intentional community/ cult-like group to find myself and figure out why nothing felt quite right to me. I was always trying to fit in, to feel good enough, to belong.2
After writing last week’s note about The Year of Slow, I found myself reflecting on my words as I was preparing for SXSW. Even though I had curated my time at SX to spare my energy, there was still a part of me that was striving. For example, there were two people whose work I have been following for years that I wanted to get my book in front of during the conference. I noticed “pick-me” energy in myself. But then, the memory from the Barre class in Logan Circle popped up in my mind. And, as I walked into the crowded Austin Convention Center, I had a new thought: “I already belong.”
In this case, belonging means not having to contort or to pretend; I had already earned my seat at the table. When I cold slid into the DMs of another author, instead of making myself small or apologetic, I wrote from a place of already belonging. I said: I’m a psychiatrist and I wrote a book that I think you’ll appreciate. I was not pushy, but stood in who I am, and was not thirsty or fawning. Aside from the fact that it worked, I proved to myself that I could show up from a place of authentic expertise.
Last night Justin asked me if taking four days off from work for SX was worth it. I told him, yes absolutely, I leveled up. But, here’s the thing. The leveling up was internal first — and because of that — it lead to positive external results, like being asked to join a panel headlined by the US Trade Representative and Honorary Ambassador Katherine Tai.
At the end of our panel on intergenerational trauma, my co-panelist Ruby Warrington and I finally had a second to sit down and chat. We had been trading emails for about a year, and this was our first time meeting IRL. Ruby, a former features editor at The Sunday Times who has written two wildly popular books, gave me the highest compliment someone in my line of work could receive: Pooja, you’re exactly the same in person as you are on social media.
xo,
Pooja
PS: I was recently asked by a journalist what the goal of this newsletter is. I told her what I know so far: to keep me writing once a week. In the marketing world, that’s not really how you are supposed to run a newsletter. I need to provide a specific value and service for all 13,000 of you who have so generously allowed me to take up space in your inbox. As this newsletter navigates a transition space, I’m challenging myself to apply what I’ve shared in these week’s Therapy Takeaway to my weekly writing.
My promise is that you will hear from me once a week, and my ask is that you come along with me as I figure out for myself what this newsletter is to be now and what it will be in the future.
See me in person (or bring me to your group)
LA people - I’m coming to you on March 22. I’ll be speaking at The Report on the Status of Women and Girls in California at Mount Saint Mary’s University. Zakiya Thomas, the President and CEO of the ERA Coalition and the Fund for Women’s Equality, author and activist Eve Rodsky, and other smart folks will also be on stage. You can register here.
This Saturday I’ll be in Maryland with Kaiser doctors from the Mid-Atlantic Permanente Medical Group to keynoting their annual wellness day. If you work for a medical system and want to bring Real Self-Care to your clinicians and staff, check out my speaking page here.
I think I would meet him on OkCupid a few weeks or months later?
For sure this is not only a personal thing. The reason I felt that way was of course shaped by colonialism, capitalism, and all the ways in which our society others people who are not the majority. I wrote a little bit about that experience for The Isolation Journals with Suleika Jaouad last year: Outsiders by Pooja Lakshmin
I always appreciate your writing and found these reflections particularly moving and profound. Thank you for the wisdom.
but wait- how do we break the cycle of intergenerational trauma? 🫠 asking for a friend