Thanks for writing about this! I too heard the Ezra Klein interview and loved it.
I think work schedules are the biggest barrier for me and my family -- weekday hangouts feel almost impossible, between ending work, daycare pickup, and toddler bedtime. I'm working on cultivating relationships with neighbors, as one possible solution.
I’m in the same boat Mara. Neighbors have done it for me. It also took moving from DC to Austin, actually. Whenever I’ve lived in big cities on the East Coast, I haven’t known my apartment neighbors (I could have, but never tried!). Since moving to Austin, and living in more of a Suburb type area, neighbors also having kids, there is more time to just be outside and chat , run into each other, get to know each other. It also helps that both of my neighbors are super kind and friendly and extended themselves to me. But I’d say, try it!
Was that me who commented how they've become more of a hermit since the pandemic? I've been saying this to people in my life and feeling like they don't understand me. Reading those words helped me in knowing I'm not alone.
I'm so glad it resonated Michele. I'm curious if you were hermit like before, and now it's more dramatic, or if it's totally new behavior? In my practice, I see more of the former in my patients and less of the latter. But, then again, my sample size is small and skewed to folks who came to see me in the first place. Personally, I've always been a homebody, and it's become exaggerated since pandemic times.
I read the same NYT article and thought to myself this is one of those things that’s simple but not “easy”. Thanks for adding more context and layers to it.
I’m hosting The Group Formerly Known as Book Club tonight at my new post-divorce place for the first time! The key for me to not be overwhelmed by hosting is to have low expectations (from my friends and of myself), a few snacks as we have re-branded as Snack Club, and respect for the time we all make to hang out. Instead of feeling anxious about my hosting skills not being good enough, I am providing an opportunity to my pals to themselves not beat themselves up just for low-key time to spend together. …right????!?!?!??!
The framing that no one has time to hang out is really important. It’s easy to look back on my time pre-kids and think, “wow, I could have been hanging out so much more,” but I thought I was too busy then too. I have also heard to suggestion of including hanging out into things like errands…”let’s go to Costco together!” Which might be a gateway for those who feel they are time poor.
For me, I feel like the internal level of time scarcity has been consistent pre-kid and post-kid. What's changed is the external level. Does that make sense? I think that is what you are saying too, right?
I love hanging out and i miss it dearly. Also to address your non-home cooking for Book Club -- I'll take any reason to eat some prepared/catered/delivery/takeout food that i don't normally eat at home so i WELCOME when my friends just pick something up for hang out sessions. You're doing your friends a favor, i promise.
Thank you Kara. The last time I hosted I ordered pizza (back in spring 2023, everyone hosts once a year) and it was totally fine. This year I asked my partner to cook because he’s an amazing cook but that was totally for fun, not an obligation.
Thanks for writing about this! I too heard the Ezra Klein interview and loved it.
I think work schedules are the biggest barrier for me and my family -- weekday hangouts feel almost impossible, between ending work, daycare pickup, and toddler bedtime. I'm working on cultivating relationships with neighbors, as one possible solution.
I’m in the same boat Mara. Neighbors have done it for me. It also took moving from DC to Austin, actually. Whenever I’ve lived in big cities on the East Coast, I haven’t known my apartment neighbors (I could have, but never tried!). Since moving to Austin, and living in more of a Suburb type area, neighbors also having kids, there is more time to just be outside and chat , run into each other, get to know each other. It also helps that both of my neighbors are super kind and friendly and extended themselves to me. But I’d say, try it!
Was that me who commented how they've become more of a hermit since the pandemic? I've been saying this to people in my life and feeling like they don't understand me. Reading those words helped me in knowing I'm not alone.
I have a hard time dealing with loud, large gatherings now. Never an issue before the pandemic
I'm so glad it resonated Michele. I'm curious if you were hermit like before, and now it's more dramatic, or if it's totally new behavior? In my practice, I see more of the former in my patients and less of the latter. But, then again, my sample size is small and skewed to folks who came to see me in the first place. Personally, I've always been a homebody, and it's become exaggerated since pandemic times.
It's the latter for me. I used to love making/having plans and have often been the glue that keeps different friend groups connected.
I read the same NYT article and thought to myself this is one of those things that’s simple but not “easy”. Thanks for adding more context and layers to it.
Appreciate you taking the time to read Rachel. And glad it resonated for you.
I’m hosting The Group Formerly Known as Book Club tonight at my new post-divorce place for the first time! The key for me to not be overwhelmed by hosting is to have low expectations (from my friends and of myself), a few snacks as we have re-branded as Snack Club, and respect for the time we all make to hang out. Instead of feeling anxious about my hosting skills not being good enough, I am providing an opportunity to my pals to themselves not beat themselves up just for low-key time to spend together. …right????!?!?!??!
“The Group Formerly Known As Book Club” is genius. Really love everything about this comment.
The framing that no one has time to hang out is really important. It’s easy to look back on my time pre-kids and think, “wow, I could have been hanging out so much more,” but I thought I was too busy then too. I have also heard to suggestion of including hanging out into things like errands…”let’s go to Costco together!” Which might be a gateway for those who feel they are time poor.
For me, I feel like the internal level of time scarcity has been consistent pre-kid and post-kid. What's changed is the external level. Does that make sense? I think that is what you are saying too, right?
Exactly, but now 3 kids in I’m like, “I had so much free time, what was my problem”
I love hanging out and i miss it dearly. Also to address your non-home cooking for Book Club -- I'll take any reason to eat some prepared/catered/delivery/takeout food that i don't normally eat at home so i WELCOME when my friends just pick something up for hang out sessions. You're doing your friends a favor, i promise.
Thank you Kara. The last time I hosted I ordered pizza (back in spring 2023, everyone hosts once a year) and it was totally fine. This year I asked my partner to cook because he’s an amazing cook but that was totally for fun, not an obligation.
Such an important issue! This is one of the reasons I'm moving to southern Italy where hanging out is a priority, not a burden.
Ooh, where in southern Italy and how are you going about it - visa, dual citizenship? I've had a dream of moving to Italy for a long time.
Puglia near Ostuni. We are still figuring out what is best to do... probably a journalism or small business visa and then work toward citizenship.
Awesome, I love Puglia. I'm working on finding out if I qualify for dual citizenship through ancestry. 🤞🏻
Cheaper to eat at home, still not interested in face to face activities, maybe in 2025.