How to Make Hanging Out Happen
It's not about having more time.
Earlier this week, I posted an article by journalist
on my Instagram grid: Why American’s Suddenly Stopped Hanging Out. The comments were full of folks who said they had recognized the lack of social ties in their lives and taken steps to fix it. There were also folks lamenting the structural problems that got us to this sad state of affairs in the first place.So, when I found myself sitting in the parking lot of H-E-B the next morning, typing out a 500 word Instagram story, I realized that my thoughts would be better delivered in email form.1 And, now I’m here in your inbox to talk about hanging out and how we can do more of it.
Let’s dive in. One lovely woman said the following to me:
Spending time with friends used to be a given, now people behave like it’s an obligation to fit in. The suburbs are even worse for it, where every interaction seems to have to be planned, rather than spontaneous, bc people have to commute to get to a place to meet up.
This rings true in what I see with my patients. When I bring up the idea of spending leisurely, goal-less time with friends or family — I get laughed at or I get hit with a blast of anger. “Dr. Lakshmin — you know HOW MUCH I’m doing. I don’t have time or energy for this!” It’s almost viewed as offensive for me to suggest there could be space for an item that is technically “optional.”
This tracks. I usually get a similar response when I ask questions related to real self-care. Like, “What are your values? What do you really care about?” My patients, all women, and mostly mothers, are like, “Dr. Lakshmin I’m too worried about who is going to pick up Johnny from soccer practice and what I will feed my people for dinner tonight to think about these existential life questions.” In the words of Stephanie Tanner: How Rude!
Okay, yes, I get it. BUT. Here is a little data for you:
According to the CDC, “people with stronger social bonds have a 50% increased likelihood of survival than those who have fewer social connections.”
A 2011 review article from The Journal of Health and Social Behavior cites “poor quality and low quantity of social ties have also been associated with inflammatory biomarkers and impaired immune function, [and] factors associated with adverse health outcomes and mortality.”
Need more? Here’s Harvard talking about a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community saying that even monthly socializing is associated with well-being.
So, if I can’t convince you that you deserve leisure, rest, and real connection in your life, maybe I can motivate you with the reminder that making time to hang out is good for your health.2
To be fair, like the comments above mentioned, it’s usually the scheduling bit that makes this all feel insurmountable. If you are anything like me, Doodle Polls make you want to take a giant nap. I just can’t.
I understood why I held resentment toward scheduling when I read Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals3, by Oliver Burkeman. In it, Burkeman points out that one of the barriers to hanging out is that in America our breaks from work do not align. One person works nights, the other is working days. Most schools have different Spring Breaks, not everyone gets President’s Day off, etc. Burkeman says that this configuration is not by accident, it’s by design, to keep workers working.
If your kids Spring Break is not the same time as your friends’ kids Spring Break, then when your kids have off school you are more likely to be like, “I guess I have nothing better to do. I’ll just keep working like usual.” Even when we have more time, we just keep working.
Whereas, in European countries, where entire months are considered “off” for the whole country, time off is used and hanging out happens. In the US, we spend so much time in pursuit of The American Dream that we don’t stop to realize that it’s not normal (or healthy) to be so lonely.
Burkeman’s example is just one structural reason why it’s hard to find time to hang out — but there are others too, like economic insecurity or the rising costs of housing. These structural factors keep us feeling insecure and as if all of our time must be spent doing something “productive” that generates capital (financial or social).
Moreover, even the above example of going on a vacation is technically not “hanging out.” Hanging out, in its purest form, should not be goal oriented. One can take a vacation with others and hang out during said vacation. But a vacation in itself does not guarantee hanging out (if you have ever vacationed with an over-planner, you know what I mean).
Before we get to what to do about scheduling nightmares, I want to touch on one other consideration. What if you never feel like hanging out? What if, when asked, you’d much rather sit on the couch, in your sweats, under your weighted blanket, and veg out, alone (not that I know anyone like this…).
For example, another commenter said:
Note sure why, but I have become somewhat of a hermit ever since the pandemic shutdown. I enjoyed some of the isolation but now I see myself saying no to almost every invite. I was never like this before (and I’m not scared of getting sick). The thought of conversing makes me nervous. What the hell?
As someone who sees all of her patients through telemedicine, works from home, and owns a “couch” weighted-blanket and a “bed” weighted-blanket, I nodded vigorously when I read this. Social anxiety, mood disorders, and many other psychiatric conditions can lead to isolating behaviors. We know the pandemic has caused increased rates of anxiety in general; though we don’t have good data to specifically point to social anxiety. Anecdotally I have seen more social anxiety in my patients (and, in myself).
How can you counter pre-clinical social anxiety4? I like behavioral activation as a strategy. Behavioral activation is a CBT tool, often used when treating depression or anxiety. Behavioral activation asks you to make links between your behaviors and your feelings. It rests of the idea that you do not need to wait until you feel motivated to do something that is good for you. Instead, you can start moving towards a behavior that is healthy, and once you are doing the behavior, you will start to feel good.5
At this point, you might be like, “Okay, Pooja, I get it, hanging out is hard because our society is not built for it. What do we do about it?” The next section outlines some of my To Do’s, To Remember’s, To Read’s and To Listen’s for you to try out.
Your calls to action for Hanging Out
Here are some guideposts for spending more time with people, IRL.
To Do:
Pick a monthly location and date/time to get together. Make it outside of anyone’s home so nobody has to host (unless you like hosting, then host away!).
Make it standing: It could be once a month, once a quarter, biweekly, whatever works for you. The key is that the cadence is set ahead of time. This is important because it means you do not need to decide each time and it means you are not re-litigating the decision in your head.
Invite whoever: Invite whoever comes to mind. It’s okay if they are different social groups. It’s fine if you don’t know them well at all. It’s totally OK if it feels awkward (it will feel awkward). The goal is to just do it. Not to overthink it.
If you are someone who is either — not a great host (see: me), an introvert, or lives with a high level of time scarcity so that allowing yourself unstructured time with people makes you break out into hives — listen to me: this is worth it and it does not need to be perfect!6 If one other person shows up, that is success. We must keep the bar low. Hanging out is us figuratively fighting a battle against an entire economy that tells us our time is based on what we produce and not the quality of our relationships. This is a lie and countering it will always feel hard. It’s still worth it.
To Remember:
Nobody “has” time to hang out.
It’s not about having time, it’s about making time.
To Read:
Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time by Sheila Liming
Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert Putnam
A Home Built for the Next Pandemic: one of my favorite Tressie McMillan Cottom essays about how new builds keep us more isolated.
To Listen:
Sheila Liming’s great conversation with Ezra Klein
Coincidentally, tomorrow night is my turn to host book club7. I am a nervous host because I don’t cook and domesticity is not my strong suit (or, my anything suit). And, I’m excited to hang out with my book club friends, have interesting conversations, and just generally shoot the shit. I’ll report back next week.
xo,
Pooja
How do you feel about hanging out?
Do find yourself feeling ashamed for not having the time?
Not sure who to invite? Stuck in decision paralysis? What’s the step that stops you from making it happen?
Or, have you cracked the code? Please tell us more!
I’d love to hear from you in the comments or hit reply to this email.
PS: I’ve been posting my thoughts on IVF and the recent Alabama supreme court ruling giving embryos personhood status (I conceived my son through IVF). Do you want to hear more about this? Below is a brief poll — please let me know what you think.
Careful Instagram followers might recall that I teased this week’s newsletter to be about the Limitations of Confidence. That note will come at a later date, maybe next week?
Yes, I am using shame as a motivator here, you got me.
This one of my favorite books of all time. Highly recommend.
When anxiety starts to impact your functioning — eg. not being able to go to work, or pick your kids up, we worry about clinical disorders. That being said, consistently isolating yourself from loved ones and friends can be a symptom of a clinical issue, taken in consideration with other symptoms. Reminder that I am not your doctor and this newsletter is not actual therapy! Please talk to your doctor.
I found myself using behavioral activation after being away from writing for some time.
Other conditions that might make this hard: low executive functioning, grief, social anxiety (or, any type of anxiety), having a sick or very young person in your family. The list goes on and on. There are for sure extroverts out there for whom hanging out is much easier and, even despite the scheduling tetris, they can make it happen.
Actually more of a supper club because we do not assign books in this book club.
Thanks for writing about this! I too heard the Ezra Klein interview and loved it.
I think work schedules are the biggest barrier for me and my family -- weekday hangouts feel almost impossible, between ending work, daycare pickup, and toddler bedtime. I'm working on cultivating relationships with neighbors, as one possible solution.
Was that me who commented how they've become more of a hermit since the pandemic? I've been saying this to people in my life and feeling like they don't understand me. Reading those words helped me in knowing I'm not alone.