I think I walk around vulnerable all the time, but that can have a cost, so I do save my openness for certain people and certain contexts. Funnily, it is easier when I'm teaching students I know, or writing. One on one it takes a while to circle around to myself.
Recently a friend asked how I'm doing and I started talking about my family. She had to stop me, and ask again: "No. I asked about YOU." I didn't even realize I was deflecting.
Ohhh, I love the suggestions on how to ask and answer the "How are you?" question. In my experience, I feel that once I open up and say "I am ok" and elaborate, the other person starts to open up as well.
Love these, Dr. Lakshmin! I thought a lot about the "Don't go to the hardware store for milk" concept you mentioned because I've found myself in these situations fairly often (where the other person can be dismissive/invalidating). It's hard when they don't receive what's being said, but it's true that it's not worth spending extra energy on trying to cultivate depth within the relationship. I'm trying to remind myself to focus more on the relationships that feel nurturing and safe, and to not try and expect everyone to be that way. Also, vulnerability hangovers (a new favorite term!) are SO real. Thank you so much for sharing these tips.
So glad the piece resonated with you Brina. Yeah I think it can be shocking at first to realize that a certain relationship takes more than it gives. And there is no hard and fast rule of when to distance yourself or not, it’s really based on the context of what’s going on. Vulnerability hangover is one of my favorite terms!
Well, while dealing with my kid recovering from leukemia, I just tend to go to…it’s been hard. But, we are still here. Taking it slow. It’s forced me to be more real. I can’t hide. It’s also forced me to look at what’s going right and focus more on that. The vulnerability hangover this is so real!! It does help me to reset after going through the cycle though.
Thank you for taking the time read and be here Mary Beth. And I appreciate you sharing about your family -- I'm so sorry you are all holding this grief. I notice that with my patients who are in the midst of (on-going) grief, sometimes, it can paradoxically feel like an anchor. Not to sugarcoat any of the pain, but sort of like, you don't have a choice, it's just there, always.
So very true. Talk about radical acceptance. Getting to feel the sails fill up again gives a whole new meaning to life. With a whole new respect and care.
Hi, Pooja! Thanks so much for this post. It's so practical and loving. <3 I'm just wondering if I got correctly this part: "The reverse of this is also true: consider whether this person has a history of unloading deeply unsettling or traumatic stories on you. If so, it might not be in your best interest to approach a conversation with as much receptivity to going deeper". Does this mean that we should not be as receptive with this kind of person to avoid that they get overly deep?
I think with someone like this, it's the type of thing where you use The Pause, and reflect on how you have felt after being on the receiving end of conversations with that person. It's not to say that you are *always* less receptive, more that, ideally, both parties in a conversation play a role in self-regulating. I think generally our culture skews too hard on the stoic/don't share your dirty laundry side, *but* there are also folks out there who use their friends/family/co-workers to trauma dump, even in settings where it's not appropriate for the context etc. Getting trauma dumped on is not pleasant and you should not need to feel like you *have to* continue those types of conversations if they leave you feeling drained and/or if you don't have the current bandwidth to engage fully. Hope this makes sense.
Like with emotional vampires? I tend to feel really icky after certain interactions. It's interesting to think of this in the context of nervous system regulation.
“Don’t go to the hardware store for milk” is the best shorthand ever for being intentional and deliberate about what you share and with whom! I love it.
Woke up with questions for y’all
How do you decide to reveal a less sanitized version of yourself?
When does it most often happen?
Is it external dependent (a specific person or group, global events) or is it internal dependent (your mood, your level of stress)?
Curious and would love to hear more from you in the comments!
I think I walk around vulnerable all the time, but that can have a cost, so I do save my openness for certain people and certain contexts. Funnily, it is easier when I'm teaching students I know, or writing. One on one it takes a while to circle around to myself.
Recently a friend asked how I'm doing and I started talking about my family. She had to stop me, and ask again: "No. I asked about YOU." I didn't even realize I was deflecting.
Ohhh, I love the suggestions on how to ask and answer the "How are you?" question. In my experience, I feel that once I open up and say "I am ok" and elaborate, the other person starts to open up as well.
Yes! Appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment Susanna. Modeling gives permission :)
Love these, Dr. Lakshmin! I thought a lot about the "Don't go to the hardware store for milk" concept you mentioned because I've found myself in these situations fairly often (where the other person can be dismissive/invalidating). It's hard when they don't receive what's being said, but it's true that it's not worth spending extra energy on trying to cultivate depth within the relationship. I'm trying to remind myself to focus more on the relationships that feel nurturing and safe, and to not try and expect everyone to be that way. Also, vulnerability hangovers (a new favorite term!) are SO real. Thank you so much for sharing these tips.
So glad the piece resonated with you Brina. Yeah I think it can be shocking at first to realize that a certain relationship takes more than it gives. And there is no hard and fast rule of when to distance yourself or not, it’s really based on the context of what’s going on. Vulnerability hangover is one of my favorite terms!
Well, while dealing with my kid recovering from leukemia, I just tend to go to…it’s been hard. But, we are still here. Taking it slow. It’s forced me to be more real. I can’t hide. It’s also forced me to look at what’s going right and focus more on that. The vulnerability hangover this is so real!! It does help me to reset after going through the cycle though.
Thank you for taking the time read and be here Mary Beth. And I appreciate you sharing about your family -- I'm so sorry you are all holding this grief. I notice that with my patients who are in the midst of (on-going) grief, sometimes, it can paradoxically feel like an anchor. Not to sugarcoat any of the pain, but sort of like, you don't have a choice, it's just there, always.
So very true. Talk about radical acceptance. Getting to feel the sails fill up again gives a whole new meaning to life. With a whole new respect and care.
Hi, Pooja! Thanks so much for this post. It's so practical and loving. <3 I'm just wondering if I got correctly this part: "The reverse of this is also true: consider whether this person has a history of unloading deeply unsettling or traumatic stories on you. If so, it might not be in your best interest to approach a conversation with as much receptivity to going deeper". Does this mean that we should not be as receptive with this kind of person to avoid that they get overly deep?
I think with someone like this, it's the type of thing where you use The Pause, and reflect on how you have felt after being on the receiving end of conversations with that person. It's not to say that you are *always* less receptive, more that, ideally, both parties in a conversation play a role in self-regulating. I think generally our culture skews too hard on the stoic/don't share your dirty laundry side, *but* there are also folks out there who use their friends/family/co-workers to trauma dump, even in settings where it's not appropriate for the context etc. Getting trauma dumped on is not pleasant and you should not need to feel like you *have to* continue those types of conversations if they leave you feeling drained and/or if you don't have the current bandwidth to engage fully. Hope this makes sense.
Oh, I totally get it. Thanks so much for answering my question. :)
of course, thanks for being here and taking the time to read so deeply. :)
Like with emotional vampires? I tend to feel really icky after certain interactions. It's interesting to think of this in the context of nervous system regulation.
“Don’t go to the hardware store for milk” is the best shorthand ever for being intentional and deliberate about what you share and with whom! I love it.
It's exactly 💯 that, shorthand, secret handshake that gives language to a process