How Are You? (for Real)

Turns out Elmo is for adults, too.

Unsplash / Jason Moyer

Last week I got a text from a friend: “People are losing their minds on Elmo…did you see it?” As I glanced at my phone in between patients, my first thought was “Why am I getting a text about Elmo?” My next thought was “Oh no…was Elmo canceled?!”

Thankfully, Elmo is not canceled, phew. But, he did find himself inside the bowels of the internet for a minute. Doing as Elmo does, he sent a caring tweet to his 500,00+ Twitter followers checking in and asking how folks were doing. Only this time, the tweet went viral, receiving nearly 200 million impressions and over 16,000 responses — many of them pretty dark. The responses ranged from harsh life conditions, general malaise, cries for compassion, and even existential dread from Rainn Wilson.

Who could have predicted that 2024 would start off with a trauma dump on Elmo?

It makes sense that in a country with an ongoing mental health crisis a tweet from beloved childhood puppet would incite a dramatic response. And, there is a long history of puppets being used in psychiatry and psychotherapy (for adults and for kids). Yet, the speed at which this tweet took off, and the gleefulness with which the memes were shared reminded me just how many folks are not only struggling, but struggling alone or in silence.

It’s for sure an indictment of our mental healthcare system that a Twitter conversation with a Sesame Street character reads like a therapy session.¹ That said, there are changes we can make at the personal level to help us live more connected lives.²

Most of us are asked numerous times a day: How are you? And yet, because of time scarcity or guilt around burdening others, we answer with a “good” or, maybe, an “okay.” Or, perhaps you are a caregiver yourself — a mom, a son or daughter, responsible for a family member. When you are a caregiver, it’s rare to have someone stop and ask how YOU are doing; instead, folks ask about the people in your charge.

So, on the heels of Elmo’s misfortune, I am sharing a some pointers on how to approach answering the question “How Are You?” with more truthfulness and transparency, as well as how to ask the question with an openness to hearing a real response.

Let’s dive in.

Tips for answering “How are you?”:

• Start small, with a little tidbit: “It’s been rough lately, my mom’s been sick” or “Things with my team at work have been complicated and it’s weighing on me.” You are building the muscle of showing small bits of your inner world, and it’s easier to take baby steps first.

• Recognize when humor is a deflector: Make a point to pay attention to when and where you make a joke to avoid a more truthful answer to this question. Humor is a healthy coping mechanism, so there is no need to get rid of it. Just pay attention to opportunities where, after the fact, you find yourself wishing you had given a more earnest response.

• Expect a vulnerability hangover: It’s normal to feel worry after you share with someone new, or expose an aspect of your life that is messy. When you start to stress that the person who is asking doesn’t actually want to know, or that they will judge you, remember that when you share the less sanitized version of yourself, it gives others permission to do the same.

Tips for asking “How are you?”:

• Reference a prior conversation: Showing that you remember what’s going on for someone indicates that you are interested in developing closer ties. “How are you doing these days? I remember you mentioned your mom was in the hospital.”

• Provide an invitation so that they don’t have to: “That back-to-school picture on your holiday card was fun! How are you handling the nerves of being in grad school?” When you name an emotion from the get-go, it gives folks permission to start the conversation from there, as opposed to having to admit something is less than ideal.

• Specifically ask about them: By saying something like, “I know Johnny’s got a million activities going on — but how are YOU doing?” you’re indicating that you want to hear about the person in front of you, not just about how their kids or other people in their life are doing.

Other considerations:

• Consider the power difference and identity: Are you this person’s boss or do you evaluate their performance? How could your roles in the workplace impact what you reveal or don’t reveal? Does this person hold a minority or intersectional identity? If so, this could impact how comfortable they feel sharing, or being on the receiving end of personal information.

• Don’t go to the hardware store for milk: Have you had personal conversations with this person in the past? Have you felt supported and received compassionately? If yes, that’s a good piece of data. On the other hand, have you felt judged or rejected when sharing? This is also a piece of data — they may not be the best person to pick. The reverse of this is also true: consider whether this person has a history of unloading deeply unsettling or traumatic stories on you. If so, it might not be in your best interest to approach a conversation with as much receptivity to going deeper.

Yes, I know, I’m asking you to take a risk — revealing our inner world(s) is always a risk. That said, there’s a good chance there are people in your life who really do want to know how you are feeling. And, we could all stand to spend less time feeling our feels with strangers on a screen; and, to spend more time feeling our feels with people we know in real life.

xo

Pooja

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1. New York Times Cooking recently ran a piece on cooking salmon in the microwave. Have we reached rock bottom?

2. And, also, not be an internet person who trauma dumps on poor Elmo.