Hi folks!
I got back from Italy late on Friday night and now I’m in Bend, Oregon where I’m giving a keynote for a health system.
I’ve noticed that when people ask “How was Italy?,” I feel pressure to have a funny story or some sort of concise response ready (because I want to avoid the “Great!”, because we all know how annoying “Great!” is).
Because of the hectic pace of April, I don’t have the words for that yet. It will probably be a little bit before I do because May is Maternal Mental Health month so I’m doing more speaking/teaching.
(What happened to The Year of Slow, you ask? Yeah, I’m asking myself that too as my career has taken on the new element of travel…Let’s talk about it in a future letter, k?)
As a placeholder, please see below — Italian cats hanging out in scenic locations.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s move on to our reader question. It’s a short and simple one this week.
Hi Pooja,
Since following your work, I question whether the things I do for self-care are actually working, or if they’re faux self-care habits. Do you have any tips for how to tell if my wellness practices are working?
- “Just Wanting To Do It Right”
Hello Just Wanting To Do It Right,
If there are “faux wellness” activities that you enjoy — I’m not here to shame you out of them. The whole point of real self-care is not to give you “The Answer” (there is no One Right Answer), it’s to start a new conversation with yourself.
So, let me reassure you — just by asking yourself these questions, you’re already doing it right
Real self-care is about prioritizing process over form. One person’s yoga class can be profoundly nourishing, while another persons might be an avoidance strategy. The former would look like someone who goes through the real self-care process of boundaries, compassion, values and power; and thus, is present and open to receiving the benefits of yoga, while the latter might be someone who spends yoga class worried about their appearance or their performance.
On paper, both people have checked yoga off of their to-do-lists.
So, Just Wanting To Do It Right, to answer your question I have some questions for you to consider. These will help you identify your process, and, in turn, help you assess whether your self-care is internally or externally focused.
Is the activity something that someone else told you to do? That “someone else” can be a friend, family member, influencer, society at large…you name it.
Does this activity help you maintain the status quo at home, but does nothing to change larger systems? Changing the status quo means shifting the division of labor (operational or emotional labor)
Do you ever leave this activity or practice feeling more stressed, more burdened, or further away from yourself?
Does the activity ever make you feel guilty? (Because you didn’t do it…or because you did, and therefore had to let something else go?)
If you answer yes to any of these questions, please don’t freak out.
The gold is in your process.
A “yes” response is just sign for you to turn inward to the four principles of real self-care: boundaries, compassion, values, and power, and see where you can apply them to your wellness routines. These small changes will naturally cause you to start thinking about bigger changes in how you allocate your energy and time.
As I’ve been teaching real self-care to groups (and thus, learning to adapt what I do 1:1 with patients to a non-clinical setting), I’m finding it helpful to conceptualize faux self-care and real self-care on a spectrum as opposed to binaries.
You build your real self-care muscles through the process of asking yourself new questions, shifting your internal dialogue to one of curiosity as opposed to shame, and allowing yourself to keep collecting data. Rinse, wash, and repeat.
I hope this helps.
xo,
Pooja
From the Real Self-Care Archives
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I needed to read this today. Thank you for validating that I am the one who knows best if my own self-care practices are 'real' or 'enough'.