They're Fighting because They're Scared

The Moms First Summit, that terrible grad speech, and wisdom from Tarana Burke

Danielle McNally, Emily Oster, me, Gretchen Sisson. Photo credit Flo Ngala

I am back home after a quick trip to New York where I was invited to speak at the Moms First Summit. A room full of about 300 advocates, organizers, leaders, and change-makers packed the Times Center in midtown Manhattan and spent the day talking about the economic, political and social aspects of motherhood. I was invited speak on a panel called Debunking Mom Myths: The history & data behind motherhood.

A highlight of the summit for me was hearing Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton in conversation with Reshma Saujani. I know HRC is a polarizing figure. And, I came away feeling more connected to Hillary as a human — she was funny and warm. HRC, like all female politicians, had to walk a terrible tight-rope when she was running for office. In watching her reveal (what I imagine to be) more of herself, I felt happy for Hillary. She seemed at ease — free, almost.

In her remarks, HRC talked about the similarities between what the women’s movement faces in 2024 and the opposition it faced in the 1970 and 80s. She told the story of how, in 1973, the US Congress actually passed universal childcare (!!). And, President Nixon vetoed it because the right wing felt they needed to fight for “traditional families.” They thought the best place for a woman to be was in the home, taking care of her kids.

Fast forward to 2024, when we have an NFL player (I’m not even going to say his name because he doesn’t deserve the attention) saying that his wife’s highest vocation is to be in the home as a mother and wife (he said more nonsense too). I haven’t watched the speech because I can’t stomach it, but apparently his remarks were met with a standing ovation from the crowd.

You can’t make this shit up.

When I first sat down to write this week’s letter¹, I planned to write about how I forgot to mention Mother’s Day last week. In my line of work, as a perinatal psychiatrist, every day is Mother’s Day; I’m always talking and teaching about mom stuff (with my patients, on social media, with my friends). May can feel like a deluge of momness on the internet, especially if you read more than one authors/creator in mom-world. And, if you are not a mom, or if you wanted to be a mom and couldn’t, or if you are a man², maybe you don’t want to hear more about mom stuff?

Plus, after growing up in a South Asian family that held tightly to traditional gender roles, I’ve had my share of complicated feelings about motherhood. If you want to know more about this, I wrote my path to motherhood, through IVF, for The New York Times in 2022— Ambivalence about Motherhood is Normal.

Having a kid is (should be) a choice, and, in some cases (infertility, for LGBTQ folks) it’s a privilege. Full stop.

Anyway, for all of these reasons, I didn’t think to write about Mother’s Day last week, and instead wrote about Baby Reindeer and Trauma Porn.

But after reflecting more on HRC’s remarks and seeing that terrible commencement speech show up on my feed, I was reminded that now more than ever, we need to keep talking about feminism, motherhood, reproductive rights, choice. Even if most of you on this email list are hearing similiar themes from the other folks you read or follow. Even if it’s an echo chamber. Because in 2024 a commencement speaker is getting a standing ovation for saying that his wife’s life only became valuable when she birthed his child. WTF.

I’m feeling the pull to end on a positive note, but then I remembered words from Soraya Chemaly’s new book The Resilience Myth (out next week!). Chemaly says, “pessimism also often involves acceptance of sadness, which not only encourages us to be self-reflective but more compassionate.” And, I think about the Hope Modules framework that I learned as a psychiatry resident at GW, and which I discuss in my book Real Self-Care. Hope can be a skill that we practice, as opposed to something you do or do not feel. You can be in distress and still feel hopeful.

Katie Couric, Ashley Judd, Tarana Burke, Becky Kennedy. Photo credit: Flo Ngala

So, on this Friday afternoon, I leave you with wise words from Tarana Burke, Founder of Me Too. International:

“People forget and they tend to look at women or mothers or survivors of sexual violence… and they forget that we are also voters. They forget that we care enough to get up on a day like today, sign up for a thing like this, and come together in places like this because we care. And, it feels often times like we’re losing because we get up and look at the news, but we actually aren’t…they’re fighting the way that they are because they know that they are losing… because no matter what they do this country is going to get browner and more queer. No matter what they do, right? We are survivors but we are also voters.”

See you back here next week,

xo

Pooja

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Other things

• You can watch a replay of the entire Moms First Summit here for free.

• If you are new to my work, here are some links to my past New York Times motherhood essays

  • This is Burnout, not Betrayal

  • Mothers Don’t Have to be Martyrs

  • When Your Friend is Pregnant and Depressed

  • Ambivalence about Motherhood is Normal

  • Saying No is Self-Care for Parents

• As you might imagine, ahead of the summit, I spent an inordinate amount of time figuring out what I was going to wear. I have conflicted feelings about how much what a woman wears on a stage impacts how seriously people take her.

• The comments on last week’s Trauma Porn and Baby Reindeer are super thoughtful. People said they liked reading my commentary at the intersection of pop culture and mental health, so I’ll probably do more of that in the future.

• Soraya Chemaly’s new book The Resilience Myth comes out next week. Soraya’s first book - Rage Becomes Her — changed the national conversation on female rage. The Resilience Myth will do the same. You can pre-order The Resilience Myth here. You can watch our IG Live conversation here.

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From the Real Self-Care Archives

If you found today’s newsletter helpful, you will enjoy these companion pieces. Paid subscribers get full access to the archives. If you are a free subscriber, you’ll see a brief preview.

When Mother's Day Feels Hard

The Aftermath of Trauma Porn

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You are reading Real Self-Care, the email newsletter written by psychiatrist and best-selling author Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD.

1. Late, sorry, if anyone else besides me is keeping track

2. Since Real Self-Care came out last year, I’ve gotten many emails from men saying some version of “I know you didn’t write this book for me, but it helped me.” I appreciate these notes!