“Wanting your son to feel the full breadth of the human experience and taking seriously the responsibility of helping putting more good into the world than bad feels like a pretty reasonable goal to me.”
God, there’s such a relief in the way you slow down and dissect all these pithy hot takes and bring nuance and clarity. Parenting often feels to me like walking through a dense forest in the dark while it’s raining carrying only a flashlight. These finger-pointing stances can be so painful. Not that there aren’t rightful conversations to be had about responsibility and accountability - and we can have them in such a different way.
So insightful and helpful. I have long believed that the patriarchy hurts both genders in different ways, even if it continues to assert the primacy of men over women. A complex topic, for sure.
Thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU. I’m not familiar with the #boymom hashtag and I’m not even a boy mom. I’m a boy STEP MOM. When you wrote about moms infantilizing their sons, speaking more to their daughters (both parents), and the need to teach our boys to talk about feelings and strong relationships !!! I felt SO SEEN. I don’t know any boy moms so I don’t converse with adults about this and my partner tries and his ex sucks (sorry she sucks) and she 100% infantilizes her 16 year old son. And I’m deeply concerned daily for his future as a permanent child and not a mature, grown man - ever.
This comment section may have been my place to vent and for anyone who reads this and thinks I’m exaggerating - well. Try watching a son be treated like a baby while your hands are effectively tied and therefore have very little effect on his growth and development - because you’re not the boymom / you’re the boy STEP MOM.
There’s so much here! My husband is one of the men who rejects the patriarchy and gets sidelined for it (he gets considered “too grey” and not assertive or loud enough because he just does his work and doesn’t create a big ol’ fuss). He was terminated two days after he told his boss he was taking 6 months parental leave. I watch another man try to be alpha and it’s not his nature and he doesn’t intuitively understand it but he’s trying to force himself into it and it’s a disaster. I’ve got two little boys and struggle to find tv and stories that aren’t just “boys world” like Paw Patrol or designed for girls in a way that excludes boys (which doesn’t help).
The patriarchy is messing with everyone I’m close to in a seriously unpleasant way and it’s hard to find ways to raise boys who identify as boys (near as I can tell) without inadvertently brainwashing them that having one girl in their crew as a token is “inclusive” and the one in pink or purple is female and boys are heroes and girls are pleasing and working outside the house is valuable but in the house is not etc etc. (thank goodness for Bluey!)
The patriarchy sucks. Let’s tear it down. But replace it with equality, not a matriarchy.
I'm a parent of a boy and oh boy does the #boymom hashtag annoy me. It implies such a reductionist view of gender, like "boys will be boys" kind of vibes.
But I AM interested in nuanced discussions about how to raise a feminist boy that acknowledges how patriarchy inserts itself into parenting. That sounds like what the book is about! Will add it to the list.
A pivotal parenting regret was when my son was having a meltdown and hitting me. I grabbed his wrists, too hard, and shouted “I will not raise a man who hits!”
He was 6, and autistic. I had been an ardent mindful parenting devotee since before he was born. By then I had developed both patience and perspective. But I broke.
It wasn’t his fault or mine. The tank of patriarchy, misogyny, and generational trauma was too heavy for my one voice of protest. I’m so grateful to have comrades in this effort. We need to know each other and be known if we have any chance of changing the culture for our kids.
Great piece! I really loved Ruth’s book. My stack is called The Feminist Parent and I write mostly about girls. When I write about boys and against the gender wars, i lose subscribers. But I will never give up the nuance (at least in my writing. Harder in daily life 😝).
Thank you, Pooja. As a male early childhood educator, I look forward to seeing your posts. Every time I feel I've learned something profound or discovered some new insights. With love.
This is fascinating and aligns with something I’d felt instinctively about speaking with my baby boys when they are upset. Other people often tell them they’re fine, be quiet, stop crying etc but I am really trying to focus on acknowledging their feelings and letting them express themselves. Boys are allowed to have feelings! Thank you for this. It’s very reassuring and encouraging.
As a fellow boy mom (whose sons are now 18, 21, 23, & 26), I agree completely. In the intro of my book, Building Boys, I wrote, "Frankly, after two decades of parenting boys, I've concluded that it doesn't really matter why many boyd prefer trucks to tea parties or are more likely than their female counterparts to get in trouble in school. Practically speaking, what matters is the reality unfolding before us. Academic discussion of nature vs nurture were not helpful to me when my five-year-old son told me he 'hated school' or when my twelve-year-old got in trouble for misbehaving in the boys' bathroom."
I can really relate to this. As a boy it was difficult for my parents to talk deeply with me and explore why I felt smothered in school and why I had confidence issues. I was encouraged to share how I felt, but was then met with resistance on why it was wrong to feel that way and I should feel “this way” instead. I didn’t learn about feelings and emotions until I was in my 20s and had to look elsewhere to pick up the missing pieces. Moving away from home to a different coastline helped me meet the community I needed and I was able to fill myself with the missing info. I’ve learned it’s our responsibility to learn what our parents couldn’t teach is because they didn’t know it for themselves.
This reminds me of when parents say things like "my girls just like pink"....UHHHH. No, that colour preference didn't just extend from their biological sex. It really was cultivated and influenced by the culture around them. Research has shown again and again how parents and culture and so many other factors can influence our child's preferences and beliefs and interests!
Thank you for sharing this! I really agree that vilifying a group of people doesn’t help any one. I keep thinking that we are all humans who, often, need support and that while supporting each other we can also work to dismantle the systems that harm us all.
“Wanting your son to feel the full breadth of the human experience and taking seriously the responsibility of helping putting more good into the world than bad feels like a pretty reasonable goal to me.”
Beautifully stated.
Thanks for taking the time to stop by Dan!
God, there’s such a relief in the way you slow down and dissect all these pithy hot takes and bring nuance and clarity. Parenting often feels to me like walking through a dense forest in the dark while it’s raining carrying only a flashlight. These finger-pointing stances can be so painful. Not that there aren’t rightful conversations to be had about responsibility and accountability - and we can have them in such a different way.
What a kind note Laura. Thank you. Means a lot that my words are providing relief.
I too am a boy mom and feel sooo heard / understood with this article. XO
Ah that was my goal. Thanks for sharing :)
Cosigned into forever. Boy moms, we got this.
So insightful and helpful. I have long believed that the patriarchy hurts both genders in different ways, even if it continues to assert the primacy of men over women. A complex topic, for sure.
Thanks Joelle. Men can primarily benefit in certain ways, and also, in other ways, be hurt !!
Thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU. I’m not familiar with the #boymom hashtag and I’m not even a boy mom. I’m a boy STEP MOM. When you wrote about moms infantilizing their sons, speaking more to their daughters (both parents), and the need to teach our boys to talk about feelings and strong relationships !!! I felt SO SEEN. I don’t know any boy moms so I don’t converse with adults about this and my partner tries and his ex sucks (sorry she sucks) and she 100% infantilizes her 16 year old son. And I’m deeply concerned daily for his future as a permanent child and not a mature, grown man - ever.
This comment section may have been my place to vent and for anyone who reads this and thinks I’m exaggerating - well. Try watching a son be treated like a baby while your hands are effectively tied and therefore have very little effect on his growth and development - because you’re not the boymom / you’re the boy STEP MOM.
Keep up your good work!
Thank you Karina. So glad it resonated for you !
There’s so much here! My husband is one of the men who rejects the patriarchy and gets sidelined for it (he gets considered “too grey” and not assertive or loud enough because he just does his work and doesn’t create a big ol’ fuss). He was terminated two days after he told his boss he was taking 6 months parental leave. I watch another man try to be alpha and it’s not his nature and he doesn’t intuitively understand it but he’s trying to force himself into it and it’s a disaster. I’ve got two little boys and struggle to find tv and stories that aren’t just “boys world” like Paw Patrol or designed for girls in a way that excludes boys (which doesn’t help).
The patriarchy is messing with everyone I’m close to in a seriously unpleasant way and it’s hard to find ways to raise boys who identify as boys (near as I can tell) without inadvertently brainwashing them that having one girl in their crew as a token is “inclusive” and the one in pink or purple is female and boys are heroes and girls are pleasing and working outside the house is valuable but in the house is not etc etc. (thank goodness for Bluey!)
The patriarchy sucks. Let’s tear it down. But replace it with equality, not a matriarchy.
Such an interesting read! Thanks for sharing.
I'm a parent of a boy and oh boy does the #boymom hashtag annoy me. It implies such a reductionist view of gender, like "boys will be boys" kind of vibes.
But I AM interested in nuanced discussions about how to raise a feminist boy that acknowledges how patriarchy inserts itself into parenting. That sounds like what the book is about! Will add it to the list.
A pivotal parenting regret was when my son was having a meltdown and hitting me. I grabbed his wrists, too hard, and shouted “I will not raise a man who hits!”
He was 6, and autistic. I had been an ardent mindful parenting devotee since before he was born. By then I had developed both patience and perspective. But I broke.
It wasn’t his fault or mine. The tank of patriarchy, misogyny, and generational trauma was too heavy for my one voice of protest. I’m so grateful to have comrades in this effort. We need to know each other and be known if we have any chance of changing the culture for our kids.
Great piece! I really loved Ruth’s book. My stack is called The Feminist Parent and I write mostly about girls. When I write about boys and against the gender wars, i lose subscribers. But I will never give up the nuance (at least in my writing. Harder in daily life 😝).
Thank you, Pooja. As a male early childhood educator, I look forward to seeing your posts. Every time I feel I've learned something profound or discovered some new insights. With love.
Patrick
This is fascinating and aligns with something I’d felt instinctively about speaking with my baby boys when they are upset. Other people often tell them they’re fine, be quiet, stop crying etc but I am really trying to focus on acknowledging their feelings and letting them express themselves. Boys are allowed to have feelings! Thank you for this. It’s very reassuring and encouraging.
Thank you so much Pooja for this incredibly thoughtful take and for featuring Boymom. It was great talking with you yesterday.
As a fellow boy mom (whose sons are now 18, 21, 23, & 26), I agree completely. In the intro of my book, Building Boys, I wrote, "Frankly, after two decades of parenting boys, I've concluded that it doesn't really matter why many boyd prefer trucks to tea parties or are more likely than their female counterparts to get in trouble in school. Practically speaking, what matters is the reality unfolding before us. Academic discussion of nature vs nurture were not helpful to me when my five-year-old son told me he 'hated school' or when my twelve-year-old got in trouble for misbehaving in the boys' bathroom."
I can really relate to this. As a boy it was difficult for my parents to talk deeply with me and explore why I felt smothered in school and why I had confidence issues. I was encouraged to share how I felt, but was then met with resistance on why it was wrong to feel that way and I should feel “this way” instead. I didn’t learn about feelings and emotions until I was in my 20s and had to look elsewhere to pick up the missing pieces. Moving away from home to a different coastline helped me meet the community I needed and I was able to fill myself with the missing info. I’ve learned it’s our responsibility to learn what our parents couldn’t teach is because they didn’t know it for themselves.
This reminds me of when parents say things like "my girls just like pink"....UHHHH. No, that colour preference didn't just extend from their biological sex. It really was cultivated and influenced by the culture around them. Research has shown again and again how parents and culture and so many other factors can influence our child's preferences and beliefs and interests!
Thank you for sharing this! I really agree that vilifying a group of people doesn’t help any one. I keep thinking that we are all humans who, often, need support and that while supporting each other we can also work to dismantle the systems that harm us all.