Oof. I sort of regretted watching baby reindeer. I'm not a survivor of that type of abuse so I can't speak to those ideas, but it did feel like trauma porn to me and I did feel a bit traumatized from watching the shows (yet I kept watching 🤔). I am torn between being glad we are seeing more real life portrayals of the darkness of life, and also worry about the impact on us of watching these types of shows for entertainment. I also watched the interview with the creator at the end of the show and was kind of worried that he put so much of his story on the screen before it seemed he really had healing. I don't mean to judge anyone, I'm actually a therapist myself so my worries are more about the overall healing. It can feel good and healing to tell your story, but at the level he has, I guess I worry since you are so exposed to people's opinions and critiques and like you say all the retellings. I'm not sure that kind of sharing of your story is actually healing. I can see it becoming more numb and like you say sort of picked at too much. I see so much desire to view trauma in our shows /entertainment but I don't really see people being able to handle true listening and supporting loved ones who go through real trauma so I kind of wonder if feeling seen by a show is a good substitute for being seen by loved ones instead you know? I don't know. I just know I had a bad feeling after watching baby reindeer and am glad to see you talking about it. I haven't read much else about it but glad to hear I'm not alone in some of my thoughts... I was seeing it recommended in a lot of my circles and I too wanted to post a strong content warning that this wasn't your typical "what are you watching?" kind of show to fill up your weekend.
nodding along as I read this. your point about people not being able to handle true listening but using trauma porn TV as a substitute to feel like they are "doing the work" sounds right to me. I had not thought of that perspective. I think it's an important conversation like, is trauma porn actually avoidance? maybe not always, but perhaps more often than we like to admit. thanks for being her and taking the time to participate in the convo Jackie.
Allllllll of this. Yes. I needed more content warnings or *something* as well-- I just saw a bunch of people in my circles talking about how good it is, and so I watched it without knowing. The re-trauma, especially the bits about going back to the abuser, really hit home in both "I feel so seen" and "oh my god why am I watching this right now" ways. Appreciate your takes here, and fwiw, I love the idea of you continuing to comment on pop culture that deals with or can affect self-care.
That’s how I started it too. J mentioned it as a popular show, I did a quick google scan and it looked intriguing. And then I felt committed because we were already in it.
As someone who has lived through trauma and written about it in my memoir, I can relate to the mixed feelings of talking about it publicly. On one level it’s liberating and empowering; on another you don’t want to be an agent of trauma porn.
Thank you for this sensitive piece. I particularly appreciate the distinction between art (the product) and fame (the experience). Very helpful.
yes yes. more and more, I feel that in the end, it's probably net negative for the individual. my feelings about how it impacts the audience are mixed. after writing my first book and the attention it has come with (*world's smallest violin*), I want to talk more about that distinction between art and fame, and the relationship between. glad it resonated with you and thanks for being here/taking the time to engage with my writing!
My author talk on memoir is called Turning Trauma into Art, but every time I tell my story, I feel it on a deep level. I don’t know if I will ever *not* feel it. Great to hear someone addressing this topic.
I appreciate that you talk about the false promises of wellness practices. I was one of those people trying to meditate myself out of traumatic experiences…
I was in an episode of This American Life that covered #MeToo experiences-- it was called Five Women, and what made it really special was that the producer actually centered the story on the five women she chose to interview about their experiences with one harasser/abuser. Not just what we experienced, but *who we are*, what we brought to the table when we encountered him. The show was very thoughtful in their care of our subjects (we had a lot of say over what got shared and what didn't), but I think the thing that got us through being less re-traumatized was that four of us were in total solidarity with one another, and we had a community of people behind us who'd also survived his abuse in various ways.
To me, that changed everything, from what I've learned sharing with other creatives/artists about sharing publicly. I felt less alone than ever, and even abandoned the memoir I'd been working on because I felt like what I wanted to accomplish with it had been accomplished. It's a delicate balance, as @JackieM mentions above, to get together with other survivors to be in solidarity, to process, but then also to not stay in that victimhood place and relive the trauma constantly, because it's what's familiar and comfortable. I'm very, very lucky that the comrades I went into this with were very accepting of the messiness of my story-- something I also deeply appreciated about Baby Reindeer.
I watched the show and experienced it as captivating, but I felt disturbed by the fact that I experienced it as such (which may be parallel to the experiences of Gadd - captivated by these two incredibly disturbed individuals). It was the first show that I actually watched through it awhile.
As a therapist, I felt concerned about how people who have been victims of sexual assault might experience the fourth episode. I did not even notice that there was a content warning at all and had thought that this was a terrible oversight. I guess at least I'm glad that there was something...but I agree with you that there should have been more. It's one thing to give a content warning when the subject of sexual assault comes up, but this was a very graphic depiction that went on for much of the episode. I can see how maybe this show could be validating for some, but it seems that it has the real chance to retraumatize people, and that people show proceed with extreme caution. I also worry that if a 13-year-old, for instance, is browsing Netflix and decides to watch this, it could be incredibly upsetting for them.
love how you describe the experience of being captivated and disturbed, and then parallel to Gadd. there are so many layers. from what i've seen on Reddit, after watching a show like this, people seem to take their feelings to social media when really where they should take them is to therapy. Though, evidenced by the fact that here in the comments we have 2 therapists giving really insightful commentary and me writing the piece in the first place -- perhaps "we" do the same thing :P
I’m a psychotherapist by profession and have come to the final conclusion (over many years!) that for me, this type of material is definitely not entertainment. I may be intrigued and start a show, yet once the depth of darkness is clear, I immediately stop.
It’s simply not healthy. I don’t believe we find light by swimming in darkness when not absolutely necessary.
My psychologist hot take is maybe controversial: I think trigger warnings are overused in our society. As someone who works both in trauma therapy and trauma prevention programming, I've come to realize trauma is so painful because (1) we cannot predict when or how triggers will come out of the blue and whack us over the head, and (2) we can't predict what will serve as a trigger and what won't. And also: these experiences of triggers / activation can be instructive, informing us where we still have pain and require more healing. Excessive avoidance behaviors are also a trauma symptom, so constantly shutting down any experiences that could be "triggering" can serve to only further trauma reactions.
That being said, this doesn't mean we need to constantly expose ourselves to trauma-inducing material when we aren't equipped to handle it, or before we're emotionally ready to do so. I am also a psych consultant for media / entertainment, and I do encourage *content* warnings - specifically warnings when content is explicit and graphic. For example, replacing "warning: sexual assault depicted" with "warning: this episode depicts a graphic and violent sexual assault scene" and combining this with resources both before and after the episode (hotlines, websites).
I'll add that I haven't seen this show - I started it but couldn't get past the first few minutes. I saw you mentioned Michaela Cole's HBO series, which I thought was excellent and properly executed re: warnings and the overall nuances of depicting sexual assault. Feel free to read more here: https://drgaurisaxena.com/journal/sexual-assault-amp-power-i-may-destroy-you
The ramifications of Donny Dunn being groomed and raped by Darrien are so intense and varied that we must applaud “Baby Reindeer” writer and actor Richard Gadd for being sufficiently brave to transmute his personal suffering into art. Going one step further than Hannah Gadsby’s brilliant and brutal “Nanette” (also on Netflix), Donny’s inner monologue explores the confusion sown in his mind by this event and his ultimate realization that his quest for fame (as well as his tolerance Martha) has been a compensation for his low self-worth, his addiction to self-hatred.
No baby was ever born with low self-worth, low self-esteem. Low self-worth is one way people assimilate trauma. “There must be something wrong with ME for this traumatic event to have occurred,” the mind reckons. So is low self-worth the psychological dysfunctionality that causes some people to want to be famous?
As a psychotherapist in Los Angeles, I treat many people who came to this city of dreams with the hope of being acclaimed for entertaining others, of becoming famous. But why did they want to become famous? Why does anyone want to become famous? Most of the famous people I have met loathe being recognizable. But did some of them originally believe subconsciously — like Donny — that fame would cure their low self-worth or self-hatred?
Why do people on social media (myself included) want to influence people, gain subscribers and attain “Like”s? Could it be secretly fueled by spite? Could it be a futile attempt to undo whatever trauma occurred long ago? Could winning an Academy Award be the ultimate act of vengeance for some people? How many subscribers or “Like”s would it take to change the past or at least offer some compensation for the violations and traumas that so many people have endured?
Donny unpacking his heart to a room full of strangers in episode 6 is one of the most psychologically insightful (as well as unnerving and cringe-worthy) works of art I have witnessed. And it is this authenticity that will lend solace to so many other victims, knowing that they are not alone. Obviously there exist healthy, untraumatized people who want to be actors, performers, musicians and artists too. But sometimes it does appear that we are amidst an epidemic of abuse and that healing can only begin when the private is made public and victims can shed their shame instead of paying their suffering forward onto others.
Oof. I sort of regretted watching baby reindeer. I'm not a survivor of that type of abuse so I can't speak to those ideas, but it did feel like trauma porn to me and I did feel a bit traumatized from watching the shows (yet I kept watching 🤔). I am torn between being glad we are seeing more real life portrayals of the darkness of life, and also worry about the impact on us of watching these types of shows for entertainment. I also watched the interview with the creator at the end of the show and was kind of worried that he put so much of his story on the screen before it seemed he really had healing. I don't mean to judge anyone, I'm actually a therapist myself so my worries are more about the overall healing. It can feel good and healing to tell your story, but at the level he has, I guess I worry since you are so exposed to people's opinions and critiques and like you say all the retellings. I'm not sure that kind of sharing of your story is actually healing. I can see it becoming more numb and like you say sort of picked at too much. I see so much desire to view trauma in our shows /entertainment but I don't really see people being able to handle true listening and supporting loved ones who go through real trauma so I kind of wonder if feeling seen by a show is a good substitute for being seen by loved ones instead you know? I don't know. I just know I had a bad feeling after watching baby reindeer and am glad to see you talking about it. I haven't read much else about it but glad to hear I'm not alone in some of my thoughts... I was seeing it recommended in a lot of my circles and I too wanted to post a strong content warning that this wasn't your typical "what are you watching?" kind of show to fill up your weekend.
nodding along as I read this. your point about people not being able to handle true listening but using trauma porn TV as a substitute to feel like they are "doing the work" sounds right to me. I had not thought of that perspective. I think it's an important conversation like, is trauma porn actually avoidance? maybe not always, but perhaps more often than we like to admit. thanks for being her and taking the time to participate in the convo Jackie.
Allllllll of this. Yes. I needed more content warnings or *something* as well-- I just saw a bunch of people in my circles talking about how good it is, and so I watched it without knowing. The re-trauma, especially the bits about going back to the abuser, really hit home in both "I feel so seen" and "oh my god why am I watching this right now" ways. Appreciate your takes here, and fwiw, I love the idea of you continuing to comment on pop culture that deals with or can affect self-care.
That’s how I started it too. J mentioned it as a popular show, I did a quick google scan and it looked intriguing. And then I felt committed because we were already in it.
As someone who has lived through trauma and written about it in my memoir, I can relate to the mixed feelings of talking about it publicly. On one level it’s liberating and empowering; on another you don’t want to be an agent of trauma porn.
Thank you for this sensitive piece. I particularly appreciate the distinction between art (the product) and fame (the experience). Very helpful.
yes yes. more and more, I feel that in the end, it's probably net negative for the individual. my feelings about how it impacts the audience are mixed. after writing my first book and the attention it has come with (*world's smallest violin*), I want to talk more about that distinction between art and fame, and the relationship between. glad it resonated with you and thanks for being here/taking the time to engage with my writing!
My author talk on memoir is called Turning Trauma into Art, but every time I tell my story, I feel it on a deep level. I don’t know if I will ever *not* feel it. Great to hear someone addressing this topic.
I appreciate that you talk about the false promises of wellness practices. I was one of those people trying to meditate myself out of traumatic experiences…
I was in an episode of This American Life that covered #MeToo experiences-- it was called Five Women, and what made it really special was that the producer actually centered the story on the five women she chose to interview about their experiences with one harasser/abuser. Not just what we experienced, but *who we are*, what we brought to the table when we encountered him. The show was very thoughtful in their care of our subjects (we had a lot of say over what got shared and what didn't), but I think the thing that got us through being less re-traumatized was that four of us were in total solidarity with one another, and we had a community of people behind us who'd also survived his abuse in various ways.
To me, that changed everything, from what I've learned sharing with other creatives/artists about sharing publicly. I felt less alone than ever, and even abandoned the memoir I'd been working on because I felt like what I wanted to accomplish with it had been accomplished. It's a delicate balance, as @JackieM mentions above, to get together with other survivors to be in solidarity, to process, but then also to not stay in that victimhood place and relive the trauma constantly, because it's what's familiar and comfortable. I'm very, very lucky that the comrades I went into this with were very accepting of the messiness of my story-- something I also deeply appreciated about Baby Reindeer.
Victims connecting with each other sounds transformative. Good to hear you were able to share your truth in this safe way.
I haven’t come across anything yet that talks about what it was like on set for this show. Would be interesting to know more about that.
Also thank you for sharing this experience with us Deanna. ❤️
I watched the show and experienced it as captivating, but I felt disturbed by the fact that I experienced it as such (which may be parallel to the experiences of Gadd - captivated by these two incredibly disturbed individuals). It was the first show that I actually watched through it awhile.
As a therapist, I felt concerned about how people who have been victims of sexual assault might experience the fourth episode. I did not even notice that there was a content warning at all and had thought that this was a terrible oversight. I guess at least I'm glad that there was something...but I agree with you that there should have been more. It's one thing to give a content warning when the subject of sexual assault comes up, but this was a very graphic depiction that went on for much of the episode. I can see how maybe this show could be validating for some, but it seems that it has the real chance to retraumatize people, and that people show proceed with extreme caution. I also worry that if a 13-year-old, for instance, is browsing Netflix and decides to watch this, it could be incredibly upsetting for them.
Thank you for writing your thoughts!
love how you describe the experience of being captivated and disturbed, and then parallel to Gadd. there are so many layers. from what i've seen on Reddit, after watching a show like this, people seem to take their feelings to social media when really where they should take them is to therapy. Though, evidenced by the fact that here in the comments we have 2 therapists giving really insightful commentary and me writing the piece in the first place -- perhaps "we" do the same thing :P
I've not watched it yet, not sure I will. Thank you for the thoughtful piece.
Thanks for reading ❤️
I’m a psychotherapist by profession and have come to the final conclusion (over many years!) that for me, this type of material is definitely not entertainment. I may be intrigued and start a show, yet once the depth of darkness is clear, I immediately stop.
It’s simply not healthy. I don’t believe we find light by swimming in darkness when not absolutely necessary.
This reminds me of that quote, along the lines of , some things are best appreciated from afar.
My psychologist hot take is maybe controversial: I think trigger warnings are overused in our society. As someone who works both in trauma therapy and trauma prevention programming, I've come to realize trauma is so painful because (1) we cannot predict when or how triggers will come out of the blue and whack us over the head, and (2) we can't predict what will serve as a trigger and what won't. And also: these experiences of triggers / activation can be instructive, informing us where we still have pain and require more healing. Excessive avoidance behaviors are also a trauma symptom, so constantly shutting down any experiences that could be "triggering" can serve to only further trauma reactions.
That being said, this doesn't mean we need to constantly expose ourselves to trauma-inducing material when we aren't equipped to handle it, or before we're emotionally ready to do so. I am also a psych consultant for media / entertainment, and I do encourage *content* warnings - specifically warnings when content is explicit and graphic. For example, replacing "warning: sexual assault depicted" with "warning: this episode depicts a graphic and violent sexual assault scene" and combining this with resources both before and after the episode (hotlines, websites).
I'll add that I haven't seen this show - I started it but couldn't get past the first few minutes. I saw you mentioned Michaela Cole's HBO series, which I thought was excellent and properly executed re: warnings and the overall nuances of depicting sexual assault. Feel free to read more here: https://drgaurisaxena.com/journal/sexual-assault-amp-power-i-may-destroy-you
The ramifications of Donny Dunn being groomed and raped by Darrien are so intense and varied that we must applaud “Baby Reindeer” writer and actor Richard Gadd for being sufficiently brave to transmute his personal suffering into art. Going one step further than Hannah Gadsby’s brilliant and brutal “Nanette” (also on Netflix), Donny’s inner monologue explores the confusion sown in his mind by this event and his ultimate realization that his quest for fame (as well as his tolerance Martha) has been a compensation for his low self-worth, his addiction to self-hatred.
No baby was ever born with low self-worth, low self-esteem. Low self-worth is one way people assimilate trauma. “There must be something wrong with ME for this traumatic event to have occurred,” the mind reckons. So is low self-worth the psychological dysfunctionality that causes some people to want to be famous?
As a psychotherapist in Los Angeles, I treat many people who came to this city of dreams with the hope of being acclaimed for entertaining others, of becoming famous. But why did they want to become famous? Why does anyone want to become famous? Most of the famous people I have met loathe being recognizable. But did some of them originally believe subconsciously — like Donny — that fame would cure their low self-worth or self-hatred?
Why do people on social media (myself included) want to influence people, gain subscribers and attain “Like”s? Could it be secretly fueled by spite? Could it be a futile attempt to undo whatever trauma occurred long ago? Could winning an Academy Award be the ultimate act of vengeance for some people? How many subscribers or “Like”s would it take to change the past or at least offer some compensation for the violations and traumas that so many people have endured?
Donny unpacking his heart to a room full of strangers in episode 6 is one of the most psychologically insightful (as well as unnerving and cringe-worthy) works of art I have witnessed. And it is this authenticity that will lend solace to so many other victims, knowing that they are not alone. Obviously there exist healthy, untraumatized people who want to be actors, performers, musicians and artists too. But sometimes it does appear that we are amidst an epidemic of abuse and that healing can only begin when the private is made public and victims can shed their shame instead of paying their suffering forward onto others.