“Indelible in the Hippocampus is the Laughter”

A conversation with Dr. Christine Blasey Ford

After Real Self-Care was published I knew that there was still so much more I wanted to say about the topic. I also knew that I wanted to talk to other experts about their own experiences with self-care.

I spent a couple months earlier this year thinking about who I wanted to interview first. They needed to represent the qualities I aspire to: facing challenges with integrity and vulnerability, holding ourselves and those we care about with compassion, and, being courageous when life’s reckonings come.

As I was mulling this question, I came across an interview with Dr. Christine Blasey Ford on We Can Do Hard Things. I immediately thought— she’s the one (and then, I thought — no way would she give me time!).

I, like so many of you, watched Dr. Ford’s congressional testimony in 2018. I was glued to the screen as she described, in detail, an alleged sexual assault by then Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh that occurred when Ford was a high school student in Washington DC. Her quote, “indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter” still gives me a visceral reaction.

I found Dr. Ford to be poised, articulate, patient, and whip-smart. And, probably like some of you, I saw myself in her, though I could not at the time articulate how or why. As a psychiatrist, I've worked with women who have survived all types of trauma-and, it’s only recently that I've begun to consider myself a survivor.

After hearing Dr. Ford’s interview, I downloaded her new memoir One Way Back. I read it in one sitting after putting K to bed (and, that’s saying a lot because if you know me, you know I am loathe to give up my sleep).

What hooked me was Ford’s detailed and transparent descriptions of the aftermath of her testimony — how she felt betrayed by the lack of follow up with any other sources she disclosed, how much of the process was not only out of her control but also, frequently, a surprise. On the outside I had assumed that Dr. Ford was taken step by step through every procedure and detail, and given scenarios of what would happen next, when in fact, it was much more like “paddling out alone” (Ford is an avid surfer, hence the title of the book).

Here in the newsletter we have recently been talking about the risks and benefits of exposing one’s own trauma.

The Aftermath of Trauma Porn

Having Dr. Ford as our inaugural interviewee is not only the perfect fit for our current inquiries, it’s also a tremendous honor.

I want to preface this conversation with a short excerpt from the Epilogue of One Way Back.

Through writing this book, I’ve gotten clarity on the question, “ What made you come forward?” But the question that’s much harder to answer is “What happened afterward?”

I wanted this book to set the record straight, but if I’m being perfectly honest, I was also kind of bitter that I was the one who had to do it. There were all these brilliant politicians, lawyers, publicists, activists, and journalists around me, but I was ultimately the one who had to paddle back out and fix it.

I might have been resentful, but in some ways, I understand why it must be me. I can offer insight to all the other people who might not have chosen this path for themselves either but who have chosen to do what’s right in the face of a seemingly all-powerful opposition, a monster of a wave. I’ve learned that sometimes you don’t do it because you are a natural-born disrupter. You do it because you have the power to help push the tides in the right direction. To cause a ripple that might one day become a wave.

I came away from One Way Back understanding a little bit more of what it means to come forward. If you or someone you know is confronted with such a decision, please read this book. I’m confident it will be a resource for scores of women and advocates for years to come. And, thank you to Dr. Ford for trusting me with your time and energy.

xo,

Pooja

(This interview has been lightly edited for clarity)

PL: The pressure to be proper and polite comes up several times in One Way Back, and is a central quandary for many women. There is an implicit assumption that if you follow the rules and “act right” then the right outcome will naturally follow. In the months after your testimony, you describe asking your lawyer if the outcome would have been different if you had been more aggressive earlier on in the Supreme Court nominee vetting process. Your lawyer assured you that you did everything that was in your control right. I’m wondering if you can see and feel his reassurance now in a way that feels more real than when you first asked him?

CBF: I decided to trust the process as it made it easier to cope during the months leading up to the hearing. I had important data to share about one of the possible nominees and was compelled by something bigger than me to share it.

Months later at the hearing, I did the best I could in that powerful setting, answering Senators’ questions and trying to be clear about a very personal experience. I think it was right for me to just be myself and survive one question at a time.

Before he was the nominee, if I had been more outspoken when there was still a short list of candidates, perhaps that would have made a difference. Or not. I really don’t know. I tried to speak up months before he was chosen as the nominee, but was not successful. 

My regret was not fully realizing that the hearing would be the only opportunity to share information relevant for our nation’s most honorable job. I trusted there would be some follow up process or clarification opportunities for me and other citizens who had relevant information.

PL: As a psychiatrist, I nodded my head when your therapist said, “You don't owe anyone anything," and when your lawyer said, "Our job is to take care of you, not ‘future you’.” I tell my patients (and myself) that their own mental health matters just as much as securing the cause. I advise patients that they have agency, and if they choose to move forward, that they go in with the proper support in place. What do you think about this approach? How would your advice differ?

CBF: I think 9 out of 10 times it is the right advice. Telling your trauma in a public setting and then handling the public response to it is - traumatizing. The importance of the Supreme Court, which was always the most revered institution when I grew up in DC, combined with my civic duty overrode that advice. 

This is not to say it was the wrong advice and I certainly paid a price for not heeding it. 

Many girls and women have shared that they do not have a choice to speak up, due to many factors including fear of retaliation, personal safety, or limited resources. 

Your point about having the proper support in place is key. I spoke with my employer when Brett was on the shortlist of possible candidates and I was making initial contact with the media and government. This was almost three months before publicly testifying. I was lucky to have a couple of  supportive friends who were literally by side in the stressful months before and the difficult months after.

PL: You are a research psychologist, and your neuroscience background is one of the reasons your testimony was so credible and compelling. In the book you make a powerful distinction about how we are trained in science to state the facts. Whereas, when it comes to the law, what you found out along the way is that it’s about the story, not strictly the facts. Being on the stand means you must persuade the audience or jury to see that your story is plausible. This distinction was powerful for me. We know that memory does not encode linearly, and that the recollection of trauma is not complete. Trauma therapy often focuses on re- experiencing the trauma (in a safe way) and encoding new memories. But of course what most survivors go through if they decide to come forward is re-experiencing their trauma in an unsafe context. This is my longwinded way of asking about the role that writing has played in your healing process. I am sure revisiting the trauma in press interviews has been very challenging. How did you decide which story of yours that you wanted to tell, and how many drafts of the book did you write?

CBF: I started a book one year after my testimony and it’s gone through multiple iterations.

I’m glad I didn’t share that first attempt, I was struggling for a couple of years, and I don’t think it would have been helpful to share those early thoughts on what was happening in the year after the hearing. Some days I wanted to write a “do come forward” book and other days “never come forward.”

PL: In the book you mention that when people called you brave or courageous you weren’t able to internalize those compliments. Yet, you shared that when a stranger (an NBA basketball coach whom you met when you were gifted tickets) said that you were a fine example of citizenship it was the compliment that finally landed. It sounds like the part of you that said “Yes” to "paddle out" was seen by his words, and that's what gave you a feeling of connection and in turn, why it hit so deeply. He saw you paddling out. I'm wondering if there has been any such compliments you've received since One Way Back came out?

CBF: Thank you. I have received notes from friends and strangers and it’s touching to hear how specific parts of the book were helpful. Staying connected to a larger community has helped me tremendously and we will all continue to reach out to the next person and the next and will buoy them with our support.

I really appreciate hearing from readers - and interviewers - who share sections that were most surprising, whether it was the three month lead up to the hearing or the years or aftermath. No one has asked me about the law versus psychology training and the basketball coach, so I really appreciate your unique questions and am grateful for being included in your work.

One Way Back is a New York Times Best Seller. You can get your copy here.

Have you read One Way Back? Five years later, what are your takeaways from Dr. Ford’s historic testimony? Let’s talk in the comments.

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From the Archives

Paid subscribers get full access to the archives. If you are a free subscriber, you’ll see a brief preview.

How to Talk about Your Trauma

How to Cope with an ADHD Diagnosis

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You are reading Real Self-Care, the email newsletter written by psychiatrist and best-selling author Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD.