When I unexpectedly got admitted to the hospital this summer for cholecystitis, I told the ER doctor that this was my first time being admitted to the hospital, besides my C-section in 2022. Even that was a scheduled, planned, medical event — I had placenta previa and so my medical team recommended a planned C-section. Though I’ve been in the hospital before, this emergency hospitalization hit me in a different way. It was surprising, humbling, and scary.
What was most unsettling to me is that after removing my gallbladder, my surgeon said that the organ was inflamed and had “been angry” for months. He gave me a picture of my gallbladder, apparently should be purplish when healthy. Mine was red and white and angry and also showed the huge stones that were there. I sent it to my dad (a retired anesthesiologist) and he texted back “Pooj, you have suffered with this for a long time.”
To add insult to injury, two weeks after my gallbladder surgery, I was back in the ER with a kidney stone. Rude! After 48 hours of the worst pain of my life, this stone stopped hurting, and luckily I did not need another trip to the OR.
And so marked the beginning of my Fall of Slow.
Probably quite obvious to those who care about me — the universe was basically screaming for me to slow down, but I couldn’t listen. I thought I took this summer slow (slow for me: most Friday’s “off”, saying no and canceling a ton of obligations), but it’s apparent I need to be slower. I need to practice what I preach and also be willing to take responsibility for the shadow side of my workaholism — there is ego wrapped up in my patterns, for sure.
I feel the need to caveat this by clarifying that stress and burnout do not cause gallstones or cholecystitis or kidney stones. Gallstones are common after childbirth and in women in their 30s and 40s (the way we were taught to think of gallstones as a probable diagnosis in medical school was “3Fs” “fat, female, forties, after kids” – in hindsight, so problematic, yes). Nearly 10% of the population walks around with asymptomatic kidney stones. But, stress can cause you to make less than optimal decisions about what you eat, how much you move your body, and whether you drink any water.
I’ve been burnt out for a few months now, trying as hard as I could to “rest” and go slowly. But, yet, it took something physical, a picture of my giant, chronically inflamed gallbladder for me to stop for 4 days. I’m sheepish that even as a psychiatrist, after writing a book called Real Self-Care, I’m still guilty of dismissing my needs, and only stopping when I physically CANNOT do more.
In my therapy sessions with my psychoanalyst, we’ve talked about my embarrassment around the fact that it took something being physically wrong with me for me to stop working. I told her that this was the first time in recent memory where I felt a sense of relief that my “rest” was sanctioned. The relief that only comes when you are bone tired, exhausted, and medically excused to take a break. So it felt in my brain: I finally had a justifiable reason to focus on myself and my health.
But I reject that idea. I don’t need a medical emergency to sanction my rest. I can sanction that myself.
Hence, the Fall of Slow.