Dig Into Dread
Don't ignore the uncomfortable — dive deeper.
Earlier this summer, I had a wonderful conversation with CNN senior political analyst and New York Times bestselling author
in her newsletter, Changing the Channel, which is all about “unlearning societal conditioning, living authentically, and how to actually change your life.” Kirsten is the author of the book Saving Grace: Speak Your Truth, Stay Centered, and Learn to Coexist with People Who Drive You Nuts.It's uncanny how much Kirsten's worldview aligns with my own. This tickles me because it fits perfectly with a pet theory of mine: there’s an unexplored overlap between the personalities of people who become journalists and people who become mental health professionals.
Anyway, in our conversation Kirsten and I talked about self-care as a coping mechanism (and how faux self-care creeps into that), rest versus recovery, and how enforcing personal boundaries can make a big difference in how manageable your life feels. (Paid subscribers to Changing the Channel can watch a recording of our full conversation.) We also touched on something I want to dive deeper into here with you today: the revelations and resolutions that can come from digging into our dread, even when it’s uncomfortable.
In our conversation, I said to Kirsten:
“I think that dread is just a really helpful emotion to pay attention to when you feel [it]. Yes, there are certainly going to be things that you still have to do [even when you don’t want to], but I think that that's why the boundary is the pause, and negotiating is part of boundaries, in that you can look at: What piece of this do I feel dread about? Is it the volunteering at your kid's school? Is it the fact that it takes an hour to get to your kid's school, and you have three kids in three different schools, and they're all in opposite direction? That's a choice that you made. And you can look at that. We get to decide. And I see so many patients that — and I have done this too — where you feel like a victim of your choices. But I think when you name the values and the reasons why you're doing the things that you're doing, that goes a long way to help remind you again what the principles are underneath, and what really matters to you.”
Let’s break down what I’m saying here. Boundaries are one of the core Real Self-Care principles alongside Compassion, Values, and Power. Clear boundaries help you make better decisions, have better relationships, and avoid overextending yourself. However, setting boundaries cannot always mean saying, “No.”
No always comes with a cost, whether it be financial, emotional, or interpersonal. For example: Your boss asks you to work on a Saturday morning, and you know that your company is going through a restructuring. If you say no, you could potentially lose your job. (Your access to a safety net or generational wealth also impacts the costs of saying no.) In another example: Your sister-in-law makes it known that she’d like you to host Thanksgiving this year, but the idea makes you want to scream. Saying no will certainly come with an interpersonal cost (that’s a fancy term for family drama). This doesn’t mean that you can’t say no; it means that you weigh the risks and costs to both yourself and others, then decide which bill you want to pay.
It’s often necessary to compromise when it comes to the tasks of adulthood that we just don’t want to do. But, the next time you feel dread, take an intentional pause. Use the space to reflect and dig down on what it is, exactly, you are feeling dread about.
Let’s use the example I shared with Kirsten of feeling dread about volunteering at your kid’s school. Are you feeling stressed about the fact that it takes an hour to get there, you have three kids, they're all in different schools, and the schools are in opposite directions? Or do you have social anxiety because you don't know the other parents that well? Or is your child neurodivergent, and you're worried about what it will feel like to see your child interacting with neurotypical kids?
Keep digging until you find what’s underneath the dread. That’s where your next steps (and the real self-care) live.
The next time you feel dread, take an intentional pause. Use that space to allow yourself to reflect and drill down on what it is, exactly, you are feeling dread about.
We often think about dread as the final emotional destination, when dread is more like a comma. It's not a place to land — it's actually a top-level feeling. There are a few more emotional layers to sift through till you find those golden nuggets of self-knowledge.
If you can allow yourself to be curious about the dread, then you can ask yourself questions. Which parts of this activity make me feel this way? Then, once you identify the core issue, you can brainstorm ways to change up the situation so it’s more manageable for you. Could your partner come with you to the school activity? Could you find childcare for your other children? Could you do a five-minute breathing exercise to center yourself before the social interaction? Listen to a podcast in the car that helps you feel more grounded? What’s one small, doable thing that can help make this event less dreaded?
We’re all unreasonably busy, so it’s easy to decide to just push through tasks that make you feel dread and do them anyway, because you feel like you “should” or “have to.” But doing things even though we don’t have the physical or emotional bandwidth is exactly where burnout begins. Showing up to an activity with resentment or hurrying through it so you’re not present hurts our relationships with others (and with ourselves). When you feel like something is a burden, that will show up to the people around you. So it's actually harmful to forge ahead when you're feeling dread and not ask yourself deeper questions about what's going on.
Next time you feel dread, PAUSE & DIG IN by following these steps:
Give yourself space and time to reflect. Hitting the pause button, even for 60 seconds, can make a substantive difference in figuring out your own emotions and how to best show up for yourself and others.
Keep the comma in mind. Remember that dread is the middle of a thought, not the end of one. You have options, and activating the imaginative part of the brain can help you find them. Ask yourself questions about your dread, and figure out which part of this activity your dread is really about. Keep drilling down until you hit a core issue. You’ll know you’re on the right track when you land on something that makes you feel nauseous, or causes that pit in your stomach to sink even deeper.
Brainstorm ways to alleviate some of your dread. If you choose to still do something you’re dreading (there are plenty of good reasons to do so, even when it’s hard), there are many ways, large and small, to make a difference in how you show up to that interaction. Help yourself however you can: bring a support person, listen to your favorite music, add a small treat, etc.
Remember that pushing through also has a cost. My patients will often forge ahead with an obligation because they feel they don’t have the time to pause and examine their feelings about the dread. But when you push through dread, you show up with resentment. You might be rushed, hurried, or visibly irritated. That’s not pleasant for anyone!
Don’t aim for perfection. If you are like my patients (or like me!), there are probably a litany of tasks in your daily life that you dread, like completing your yearly review at work, or taking out the trash, or shopping for a new pair of shoes, and on and on. I’m not suggesting that you tackle every feeling of dread in your life. Start small with something low-stakes. For instance, why are you dreading shopping for new running shoes, even though yours are rundown? Are you feeling time scarcity? Is it that your ADHD or neurodivergence makes penciling this activity into your schedule feel overwhelming? Is it that you always enjoy shopping more when you do it with a friend? How can you make this activity something to look forward to as opposed to dreading it?
We can’t wish away the many hard, tedious, or boring things we must do in life, but we can tend to our own emotions, set boundaries, and nurture ourselves every step of the way.
xo,
Pooja
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“Decide which bill you want to pay” - so good! This all hit home on several different fronts
Thank you for this! I had just been thinking about how frequently I seem to be dreading things recently—in both personal and professional situations. I’m still building my pausing “muscle,” and appreciate this reminder of how important and impactful it can be (also appreciate the reminder that dread is a totally normal feeling and I can, in fact, sit with the discomfort!).