A Tool to Set Boundaries with Thanksgiving
Take 5 minutes to mentally prep for next week
We are entering the time of year that is the most stressful for my patients. Yes, next week is Thanksgiving…and with it will come a hurricane of too much food, too much drink, too much family, and a pile of expectations.
Consider some data1:
When surveyed about stress and the holidays, 44% of women said that their stress increased during this time of year (as opposed to 31% of men).
When asked about being able to “relax” (haha, what is that?!), just 27% of women said that the holidays were a time for relaxing. In contrast, 41% of men said they felt relaxed during the holidays.
In order to cope with stress, women most frequently turn to food for comfort (41%) and drinking as an escape (28%).
This data was collected in the early aughts. I’d venture to say that the burden on women has only increased since then. We now deal with not only a hyperconnected world flooded with Pinterest worthy Thanksgiving milieu’s but also one in which holidays take up more and more space (as Anne Helen Petersen wrote in her theory of sprawling holidays for
earlier this month). Moreover, the stress is even higher if you come from a family with intergenerational trauma, or if you or someone you care about holds a marginalized identity and is treated cruelly during family gatherings, or if politics have divided your family.So, what can we do to hold on to ourselves?
Is there another way?
YES, dear reader, there is!
In session with patients, I am having lots of conversations about boundaries.
Does one really need to cook all of the sides for Thanksgiving or can I get pre-made? (The answer is yes!) Is it okay to say no to in-laws? (Again, yes!) What is the cost of running myself ragged next week, and, instead, can I make strategic decisions about what to let go of?
I acknowledge that setting boundaries can be tough — especially if you haven’t done it before. My patients often get caught up in guilt.
When you find yourself stuck on what to say no to, or stewing guilt, it can be helpful to loosen up your mental framework by asking yourself a different question all together.2
For this week’s Therapy Takeaway, I am proposing a thought exercise that you can take with you into next week.
Your Therapy Takeaway:
Pick One Word to center yourself around for next week. Then, craft your self-talk around this word. Your One Word should align with a value you’d like to embody during Thanksgiving. Here are some examples:
BOLD: I am not going to apologize for being myself this year. I am going to celebrate the holidays in a way that centers my own humanity, as well as the humanity of my family and friends.
AUTHENTIC: When someone asks me how I am doing, I will answer honestly. I will endeavor not to hide the messy and imperfect aspects of my life right now. I will show up as is.
GENTLE: I will notice hurt as it happens, and try not to hold on to it. I know that my family is not capable of always meeting my needs — and I will not expect them to. I will not blame myself when hurt happens.
The goal of this exercise is to provide a meaning-centered scaffolding for boundaries decisions going into Thanksgiving.
It’s important to recognize that even having the space to engage in the above thought experiment requires resources and some degree of privilege so that you can step out of fight or flight mode, and hear yourself think clearly. Resources can take the form of childcare, family support, financial means, work-schedule flexibility, etc. That said, it’s possible to find even 5 minutes to reflect, it will help you move into decision making for next week from a values-aligned place.
We’d love to hear what your One Word is in the comments.
xo
Pooja
Want to do the holidays differently this year, and practice these skills with others? Join us at Gemma, the women’s mental health community that centers impact and equity. Our doors are open JUST FOR THIS WEEK. After this enrollment period, we will be closed to new members until early 2023.
For $5 a month you get access to 4 digital courses, taught by Gemma psychiatrists (myself, Dr. Kali Cyrus, and Dr. Lucy Hutner), and access to a WhatsApp community where we are supporting each other in doing the holidays different this year.
Here is a quote from a Gemma member:
“The most significant part of [Gemma] for me was the fact that all three physicians supporting this group were open and vulnerable themselves- sharing personal stories that shaped their style of practice and support for their clients. I have not encountered many mental health professionals who approach their work with such openness.”
PS: In the wake of yet another senseless and terrible school shooting, I wanted to share this meaningful interview with Shannon Watts, the Founder of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America, for the Buddhist magazine Tricycle. Reading it helped me feel less alone.
According to a 2006 study from the American Psychological Association.
These types of mental exercises foster the skill of Psychological Flexibility. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a third wave form of psychotherapy, is largely focused on building psychological flexibility.