What’s Your One Word?

A simple exercise to center yourself this week.

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

Hi folks,

We made it to the day before Thanksgiving. Is your cortisol spiking yet? I’m guessing you, like me, are up to your ears in Black Friday coupon codes and “last chance” holiday sales emails. Hopefully today’s letter from me will be a welcome respite to the madness of the season.

Tomorrow, Justin and I are hosting Thanksgiving for the first time in Austin (we moved to Texas in December 2020, after spending almost a decade in Washington, DC). J’s side of the family will be coming over for lunch. I’d don’t cook so I’ll be on cleaning and kid wrangling duty.

Then, on Saturday morning I’ll travel to Pennsylvania with K, our toddler. It will be my first time taking K to the place I grew up (close to Reading, PA for any Mid-Atlantic folks!). I’ll spend a few days with my parents and sister in my childhood home. It’s more travel than we usually do during this time of the year, but it felt important for me to take on this challenge.

Travel and politics aside, this is the time of year that my patients tend to struggle the most. The demands are high and so are the expectations. And after a fraught election, everything feels more high stakes.

But all of that said, the reality is that this time of year has always been stressful.

Consider some data¹:

• When asked about being able to “relax” (haha, what is that?!), just 27% of women said that the holidays were a time for relaxing. In contrast, 41% of men said they felt relaxed during the holidays.

• In order to cope with stress, women most frequently turn to food for comfort (41%) and drinking as an escape (28%).

This data was collected in the early aughts, and I’d venture to say that the burden on women has only increased since then.

The stress is higher if you come from a family with intergenerational trauma, or if you or someone you care about holds a marginalized identity and is treated cruelly during family gatherings, or if politics have divided your family. Heck, the whole premise of Thanksgiving, really, is one of trauma.

Okay, so what can we do to hold on to ourselves? Is there another way?

YES, dear reader, there is! You guessed it: The best way to keep ourselves and our sanity this holiday season is by setting thoughtful boundaries we can stand by.

A great to place to start with boundary-setting is identifying where your biggest stressors are coming from.

• Do you feel resentful that you always make all of the sides for the meal, rather than sharing the task with your siblings? Ask them to help and delegate.

• Do you hate staying at the family gathering till late in the night? Let your family know you’ll be leaving at a certain time, or just leave when you want to without the drawn out goodbyes.

• Does that one Uncle make everyone uncomfortable, every year, without fail? Cull that guest list.

I know that setting boundaries is easier said than done, so, today I want to give you a little something more to hold onto: the One Word Exercise. Read on to learn more, and to see what One Word I chose for myself this year.

The One Word Exercise:

• Pick One Word to center yourself around this long weekend. Then, craft your self-talk around this word. Your One Word should align with a value you’d like to embody during the holidays. Here are some examples:

  • BOLD: I am not going to apologize for being myself this year. I am going to celebrate the holidays in a way that centers my own humanity, as well as the humanity of my family and friends.

  • AUTHENTIC: When someone asks me how I am doing, I will answer honestly. I will endeavor not to hide the messy and imperfect aspects of my life right now. I will show up as is.

  • GENTLE: I will notice hurt as it happens, and try not to hold on to it. I know that my family is not capable of always meeting my needs — and I will not expect them to. I will not blame myself when hurt happens.

The goal of this exercise is to provide a meaning-centered scaffolding for boundary-setting. This provides a distraction from guilt or second-guessing and allows you to be proactive with your interactions and plans².

This year, my word is “First.” As I mentioned, it will be my first time taking K to my childhood home. I’m excited and nervous. Going to my childhood home always triggers certain patterns and I, like most people, have a tendency to regress when I’m with my family of origin (after a decade+ of therapy, things have improved significantly but nothing is perfect).

The word “first” lightens the pressure. It evokes a sense of trying something out, and is without demands or commitments. Reminding myself that this is my first time going on an adventure of this sort with K gives me the grace to avoid beating myself up when we hit the requisite bumps³.

What’s your One Word? Why? Tell me in the comments!

xo,

Pooja

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A Real Self-Care Substack chat for Thanksgiving Day?

I’m thinking of doing a Substack subscriber chat/thread tomorrow for folks who want a space to talk real self-care — boundaries, compassion, remembering your One Word— on Thanksgiving day. I’ve never done a subscriber chat before, so not sure how helpful it will be? But I’m feeling like trying it out! What do you think?

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You are reading Real Self-Care, the weekly email newsletter written by psychiatrist and bestselling author Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD.

📚 Order my book, Real Self-Care, as an e-book, hardcover, or audiobook.

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📲 For more on boundary-setting, check out Dig Into Dread from the archives.

1. According to a 2006 study from the American Psychological Association.

2. These types of mental exercises foster the skill of Psychological Flexibility. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a third wave form of psychotherapy, is largely focused on building psychological flexibility.

3. I recognize that even having the space to engage in the above thought experiment requires resources and some degree of privilege so that you can step out of fight or flight mode, and hear yourself think clearly. Resources can take the form of childcare, family support, financial means, work-schedule flexibility, etc. That said, taking even five minutes to reflect and center yourself will help you make decisions over the next week from a values-aligned place.