Hi folks,

Those of you who have been here for a bit know I’ve had quite the year. I gave birth to twin girls almost exactly one year ago (Mira and Anya will turn one this weekend!). I took three months off last year after having them via C-section, then got right back to my private practice and keynote speaking work. And I wrote the first draft of my second book, QUANTUM SHIFTS.

It was, ummm, a lot.

Last month I was in the messy middle of first-round edits for the book. I was supposed to deliver the edited manuscript by mid-June. I had a ton of deep work to do in order to hit my deadline. But there was also my son Kiran’s 4th birthday (successfully hosted a party for 20 pre-schoolers!), Father’s Day, and Justin’s birthday, all as my parents were in town visiting us.

Before I had kids, I would put my work before…pretty much everything. When I was younger, I had an attitude of, “My work is so important, probably more important than yours, and therefore I don’t need to show up as much.” As I’ve matured, I understand that we all have important commitments, whether it’s work- or care- or health-related, and to fully show up (or not) is a choice everyone makes and there are varying degrees of privilege involved in this decision making.

Now, with a family, I not only don’t have the luxury of shutting off my life when my work is demanding, but I understand more deeply how that privilege comes with a price. I like my kids (yay) and want to spend time with my family.

The tough part is it’s not as simple as “work less.” This past year was hard — especially the dark stretches that came with having infant twins, and there were many of them — and my work was a lifeline for me. I love what I do. I’ve built a multifaceted career as the main breadwinner for my family where I run a small solo private practice, write about topics I’m passionate about, and travel the country to speak. It’s a dream career. Yes, it's stressful at times, but I'm fueled by it, and tremendously lucky.

Yet, how do I make all of the puzzle pieces fit together?

Well, back to the matter at hand: my June book deadline. Two weeks before my revision was due, I found myself ugly-crying in my car. I was overwhelmed about all the things. I felt stuck on a few areas of the manuscript that hadn’t clicked for me yet. I was paralyzed by how much was still left to do, and how little time I had to do it.

It was then, mid ugly-cry that I had an aha moment. It sounded something like, “The most important thing is that I take my own advice.”

And then: “I can ask my agent for an extension.”

So I did. I actually ended up asking for two extensions — cumulatively an extra two weeks of time with the manuscript, despite knowing we were on a tight timeline to keep my publication date.

What became clear to me in that moment in my car was that the decision I was making was not really about meeting a book deadline. It was about whether I could live the values I was telling my readers to live.

Sure, I could probably deliver something by the original deadline. But I didn’t want to just deliver something. When I look back on QUANTUM SHIFTS a decade from now, I want to feel proud of it with my whole chest. I want every story in the book to be the right one — and every explanation to feel like it was landing in the way it needed to.

And, most importantly, I want to be proud of how I lived my life as I brought it into the world.

So, I needed to practice what I’m preaching in the book. Duh.

During my aha moment a specific memory came back to me. It was from the launch of my first book, Real Self-Care, in 2023. Three months after the book came out — after I had gone through the gauntlet of press and publicity and all the great things that happen when you publish a bestselling book (world’s smallest violin, I know!) — I landed myself in the hospital with an angry gallbladder and kidney stones. It was particularly embarrassing to have written a book called Real Self-Care and to be so completely burnt out after promoting it.

I decided to take the rest of the year off from interviews. Of course, as luck would have it, pretty much as soon as I made that promise to myself, author Glennon Doyle’s team reached out to invite me onto her podcast, We Can Do Hard Things. It felt like the universe testing me. I took a huge risk, and asked for more time; I told her team I would LOVE to come, but I was on a break from interviews, and could we schedule it for early the following year? They said yes! (And I was literally nauseous everyday until I heard back from them.)

When I did the interview, Glennon and Abby Wambach (her cohost and wife) were like, ‘Nobody has ever said “not now” to us before. When you did that, we knew you walked the walk.’

I am entering a new phase of my career where writing regularly is my job. It will require visibility, vulnerability, intensity, and regular creative output. The skill I need to learn now is how to construct my life — personal, professional, even spiritual — in a way that feels manageable, and does not come falling down due to a book deadline.

I always say that I write what I need to know.

This past year has been a quantum shift period for me, too. Much of this book is about learning to be okay with slowing down and listening to your true self, despite all of the fear and insecurities.

I’m still finding (slowly, messily) what my actual capacity is, and how to accept and be open to the big changes my life went through since the twins were born. Like all major life transitions, it’s an on-going trial and error process.

The reality is that if I pace myself, there will hopefully be more book deadlines in my future. I want to learn how to live with them as a part of my job, not as an anomaly.

Ironically enough, as soon as I asked for the extra time, a flood-gate opened and it was like the words just came to me. I immediately could see what was on the page but needed to go, which stories I needed to tell, and how to gracefully connect the dots between the ideas I was tying together. Everything felt so much more easeful. It’s remarkable what happens when your behavior and values are in alignment.

When I delivered the pages of the revised manuscript last week, I felt so proud — not only of the work I had just sent in, but also for trusting my instincts, and letting it take the time it needed to take.

A few hours after getting my pages, my editor Meg wrote me a note:

Pooja! I’ve made it through the first 60 pages today, and this is looking FANTASTIC…You’ve done a lot of work since I saw this last, and it shows.

It felt so good to receive validation for making a choice in service of my own process (and mental health).

But, I also knew my feelings of accomplishment were less about the external feedback and more about knowing that the work product I delivered did not require me to betray myself. That was the real success.

This is a lesson I keep re-learning (and will keep re-learning) because of who I am. And I work in a field that will keep pushing me further out of alignment, if I let it. I won’t pretend there are easy answers here. I live in a time (like you do) where work, family, health, and community are regularly at odds with each other and from day to day my priorities shift. But, the good news is that each time I circle this particular loop, I spot the pattern with more precision. My trust in myself and in my choices feels more solid every time. And isn’t that the goal?

xo,
Pooja

Was there a time you listened to yourself, and you felt like it saved you? I’d love to hear your story in the comments.

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You are reading Real Self-Care, the email newsletter written by psychiatrist and bestselling author Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD.

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Listen Now

Hi folks!

The arrival of the summer season hasn’t meant much of a reprieve for me so far. Right now, I’m deep in making second-round edits for my book, QUANTUM SHIFTS, plus traveling for speaking engagements (Boston and Winnipeg!).

For many of us, summer means a jam-packed schedule and a disruption of routines, which can make us feel off-kilter and stressed. So it’s a great time for me to remind us all of how and where we can take back personal power in our lives.

This week, I’m sharing a post all about POWER, and how to reclaim yours within yourself and your community. This post completes a collection of all four real-self-care principles from my first book. Check them all out below. These 101 posts are meant to be helpful resources for you whenever you need them, and they will always remain free to read.

I hope these reminders can be a support system as you shift into whatever mode this season has in store for you.

xo,

Pooja

Power 101

In my book, Real Self-Care, I write about four self-care principles:

1. Boundaries

2. Compassion

3. Values

4. Power

Today, I want to help you claim what’s yours.

In our current state of affairs, it is easy to fall into feelings of powerlessness. With government controlling our access to health care, media controlling our information, and billionaires controlling so many of our public services, each of us is up against a lot.

And that’s how power wants us to feel. Systems of oppression beat us down and strip us of meaning and hope — that way, we’re easier to control, less troublesome.

That’s where our work comes in. We are never powerless, individually or collectively. We can always return our focus to where we do have power, and we can implement change: ourselves, our relationships, our workplaces, and our systems.

This is not me asking you to bypass the very real difficulties of the world and embrace toxic positivity. I am not an optimist, but I am hopeful. Optimism is the sense that everything will be okay. Hope is different — it’s understanding that things may not be okay, but knowing you still have the agency to improve things for yourself and those around you.

Systems change only when many individuals show up to do things differently. Small changes, both internally and externally, can eventually add up to real, wider change. That’s why each one of us, even the marginalized among us, has the capacity to fight back in systems that are stacked against us.

Here’s your quick Power Program:

• Embrace both/and as opposed to either/or to stay connected to your power.

• You must acknowledge bad feelings to practice hope and gain power.

• It’s not your job to change the whole system. It is your job to stay in touch with your agency. Acknowledging the complexity of yourself and others will help you retain power.

• Giving back when you have power generates more power for everyone else.

• Hope is not something you have or don’t have. It’s a skill to build.

Lean Into Both/And

For a long time after I had left the wellness community and was returning to the medical world, I had a lot of deep questions about my character. Did I fall for a scam and ruin my life? Or had I been courageous to question the status quo and follow my interests?

A psychoanalyst mentor had an important answer (really, another question) for me: “Is the knight on a chessboard a small, lifeless wooden object, or is he a powerful player that can change the stakes of the game?” The answer, of course, is both.

Each and every one of us are both. A living, breathing paradox. Many experiences, talents, and flaws, all in one bundle. I eventually came to terms with my past and accepted myself in the present. Yes, I did all of those things, and I was making different choices and building a solid future for myself now. I saw my chessboard for what it was, and I also saw the game was not over.

When we look at ourselves in our situations from the lens of both/and, we give ourselves the benefit of perspective. We recognize that there is rarely just one story, and we’re able to see that more than one truth can be possible at the same time.

Turn Up Your Complexity

Our culture has a way of flattening people’s existence (especially women’s) and of viewing complexity and contradiction as a threat.

It can be tempting to take our big losses, mistakes, and failures and turn those into our whole identities or the entire lens we tackle life from. When we use both/and to better see and reflect on all sides of our stories, we empower ourselves.

Each of us has a complex story. That’s okay. What we’ve overcome and how we’ve changed is part of our agency and power.

When we don’t flatten ourselves or others, or immediately label people as someone different than we are, that’s powerful. It’s one way to push back against our society’s expectation that people should conform to one stereotype or narrative.

Trade Cynicism for Agency

Practicing real self-care requires taking ownership of yourself back from the system that has held you down. Those systems can include your family, your workplace, society, or all of the above.

Revolution first requires changing our internal landscape — that’s what real self-care is all about. Once we change ourselves, we can go forth and exert power and agency in the outside world.

I think of this as planting seeds of revolution. We are seeding the future for ourselves and for the next generation as well. Remember, this work is ongoing and blossoms in unexpected ways.

Establish Hope as a Practice

In order to cultivate hope, people need to activate one or more of four different types of coping skills:

1. Problem-solving
   Jumping to a task or action that helps you move forward tangibly

2. Emotion regulation
   Reducing your in-the-moment stress level or feelings of discomfort.

3. Activating a core identity
   Connecting with an individual or collective identity.

4. Relational coping
   Connecting with mentors or important people in your life.

Each of those coping mechanisms can help you get back in touch with your personal power and find hope exactly where you are.

Exercise: Identify your hope-building skills

1. Think of a recent bad experience. Why did the situation make you feel so bad? Remember the feelings that you experienced at the time.

2. What actions did you take immediately after this event happened? Think about what you did in the hours, days, and weeks that followed. How did you cope? Did you move into problem-solving (specific actions like researching or collecting more information), or did you immediately reach out to a trusted friend or colleague (relational coping)?

3. Get granular. Which coping skills do you tend to reach for? Which did and didn’t work for you? Keep in mind we often use a mix of all four coping skills in order to build hope for ourselves. There may be two that come most naturally to us, but remember that all of these tools are available to you in times of distress.

Remember: in the face of so many systemic failures, the practice of hope is the ultimate source of resistance, because it’s always available for us to practice.

Pay it Forward

I believe that community care (another way to say paying it forward) is a byproduct of real self-care. Real self-care builds power, and with power comes responsibility.

Ultimately, the work of real self-care is about changing our relationships with ourselves. What naturally follows such deep internal change is a reorganizing of larger systems.

In order for this reorganization to be equitable for those of us who are most disadvantaged, those of us who hold privilege must share the power we build through real self-care. This might mean giving up some of the things our own privileges afford us — such as opportunities, convenience, status, etc. — so that those resources can be distributed to those who have less power than we do.

Ask yourself:
What privileges do I hold?
What is easier for me than others?
How can I be generous in my personal and professional life?
What am I willing to give up?
How can I give back some of my power right now?

Then take real steps to pay it forward.

Remembering your power is, ultimately, about reclaiming your agency in a world that is constantly telling you that you have none. While the places where you can exert your agency may feel small or few and far between, the act of remembering and deploying your power is, in itself, what builds power. The goal is not to fix everything — it’s to be able to see and act on what you can fix.

You are reading Real Self-Care, the email newsletter written by psychiatrist and bestselling author Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD.

Share

📚 Order my book, Real Self-Care, as an e-book, hardcover, or audiobook.

💬 Hire me for a real self-care keynote by sending a message on my website.

📲 Find me on Instagram or LinkedIn.

Hi folks! Let’s talk about uncertainty.

We’ve all got problems, and one thing people are always going to do is try to sell you easy solutions. “Join _____ for the answer you seek!” “Buy _____ to find what you’ve been looking for!” As if there is one product or service that can DEFINITELY solve all of your issues.

As a culture, we are addicted to certainty — and we’re willing to pay for it. But, deep down, I think we all know certainty is one thing money can’t buy. Plus, it’s simply not possible in most aspects of our lives. The more elusive certainty becomes, the more people try to grasp onto it in any way they can. People are always trying to solve for uncertainty.

While I was writing my next book, QUANTUM SHIFTS, the concept of certainty kept coming up. When my patients are in the depths of unhappiness and questioning an aspect of their lives, they often have this fantasy that there’s going to be one new thing that’s going to make everything okay — a new pa…

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Hi folks!

In my Dear Pooja column, I answer readers’ real questions about real self-care. Read on for my real talk about why self-care is harder for those with mental health diagnoses — and how to tackle that truth head on.

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Hi folks,

I handed in the first draft of my next book last month, and I’m sitting with some mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m relieved that it’s on someone else’s desk now, but, on the other hand, my mind is now zooming ahead to my book launch. QUANTUM SHIFTS will come out next spring, which, objectively, is so far away — but in real-life time will be here before I know it.

My mind is jumping ahead to a jumble of: This is what I’ll do differently this time (my first book, Real Self-Care, came out in 2023). What kind of support do I need (PR, more admin help). How much will it cost? How can I get organized? Who will I want to ask to blurb, to be in conversation with, etc.?

The business of launching a book is complex, heavy, and not for the faint of heart. But this time, I want to try to do it differently. I want to grow up a bit and act like the accomplished author I actually am.

Throughout my life, I’ve gotten feedback about how I “hide” behind messiness o…

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Hi, folks!

Coming off of the high of turning in the first draft of my second book, QUANTUM SHIFTS, I immediately dipped into a low: I’ve been diagnosed with shingles. For those who aren’t familiar, anyone who had the chicken pox can get shingles — except shingles is much more painful. (There is a vaccine recommended for those 50+; look into it.) Shingles can often be brought on by high stress, which, at least I know exactly how my body reacted to months spent head down writing a book right after having twins. But, luckily, I caught it early, and I’m recovering now.

While I’m taking it a bit easy, I thought I’d share some answers to some of your AMAs on how to get through challenging times — because world news, tough employment conditions, and everything else we’re dealing with is still going on, even when we’re sick or sick of it.

xo,

Pooja

Q: Am I a bad citizen if I take a vacation from the news? It stresses me out so much. 😢 How do you balance preserving mental health vs. reading the news when the world’s on 🔥?

So many of you have asked me this question. It’s a work in progress for all of us.

We are not meant to be sponges absorbing every trauma that comes through day after day (and they do, and they will). It is important to take care of yourself, prioritize, and continue to find joy, meaning, and hope through it all. That in itself is a form of resistance.

You can’t be in the news cycle 24/7; it’s not good for your mental health. You have to figure out the right system and cadence for you to dip into news and stay informed about topics you care about.

Some things I’m trying and working on:

• I have stopped reading the news and listening to NPR as ambient noise (I still love public radio, though). However, that doesn’t mean I’m uninformed. I subscribe to a curated handful of newsletters where I find out the latest terrible thing. But I only look when I’m in the mood and have the bandwidth. That’s about once per day.

• My writing and speaking and advocacy work is how I exert my agency. It’s a balm for me. Find your balm; it could be your kids’ school board or at your church. It’s different for everyone.

• All of us need to “check out” from time to time. That’s OKAY. There is a big difference between saying, “I don’t follow politics” and saying, “For my own sanity, I cannot keep up with every latest terrible thing, I need to protect my attention.”

Q: What are your tips for keeping positive when work is having another “restructuring” (but you are thankfully safe)?

I don’t love ‘staying positive’ when the reality is that this is tough time for so many. We are seeing layoffs all over, and it’s taking a long time to land the next job. I think it’s actually more about being prepared. Start activating your network. Now is the time to get coffees, make sure your LinkedIn is updated, start thinking of where you’d go if you need. Being prepared is your best mental balm. It’s never for nothing because your existing network will become stronger for this outreach. And if during the next restructuring you are hit, you’ll have a head start.

Q: How do you find the joy in the daily grind of parenting, work, chores, etc.?

I struggle with this, too. When it feels like everything is a chore, that means I need to go back to my boundaries. So, I will block off time to look at my schedule and assess what I can cut out in work, parenting, personal time, etc. My post on Boundaries 101 lists everything I tell my patients about how to set (and keep) boundaries.

I come back to my boundaries once every three months or so, and sometimes even more frequently. It’s the type of thing you just have to keep coming back to as life keeps changing; that’s normal. There is this fallacy that you learn boundaries once and then you’re good. NO! Our lives are so complex and constantly moving, and in every new context or situation, you will have to relearn your boundaries. That doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong. It means you are human, and you have a full life.

✸✸✸

Thank you for being here! As a reminder, I’d really appreciate your feedback as I decide on the future of this newsletter. Please take my short survey and tell me more about yourself. As a thank you, I’ll randomly select six individuals to receive a $100 Visa gift card.

Take the Survey

You are reading Real Self-Care, the email newsletter written by psychiatrist and bestselling author Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD.

Share

📚 Order my book, Real Self-Care, as an e-book, hardcover, or audiobook.

💬 Hire me for a real self-care keynote by sending a message on my website.

📲 Find me on Instagram or LinkedIn.

Thank you so much for being part of this community!

Initially, this newsletter started as a place for me to keep up with my writing practice. After the success of my first book, Real Self-Care, it became a place to extend that conversation and bring real self-care into your lives on a more regular basis.

I feel strongly that newsletters are not static, and they need to evolve and grow with the author. Now, as I’m about a year away from the release of my second book, I’m figuring out what the next version of this newsletter is.

I’m thrilled to share that big things are on the horizon for this space. As this newsletter evolves, I want to intentionally center you—who you are, why you’re here, and what keeps you coming back—so I can create resources that actually feel useful.

So, I’d love to hear directly from you.

I invite you to take this short survey (5-10 minutes) and share a little about yourself with me.

Take the Survey

As a thank you, I’ll randomly select six individuals to receive a $100 V…

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Hi folks!

Welp, at 11pm last night I submitted the first draft of my second book, QUANTUM SHIFTS, to my editor at Penguin Life. It’s officially Spring. And the President has not started a nuclear war (yet).

We’re all entering a new season, and I hope that feels a bit refreshing for you.

A big part of authorship is supporting your fellow authors, and accepting their support in return. So, in celebration of my own book that will come out next year, I want to share some of my top picks for books coming out this Spring by authors I admire. These books cover many of the topics I often dedicate space to here, including parenting through polycrisis, dealing with prolonged uncertainty, and choosing to do less rather than more.

I hope you find a book on my list that will help support you with wherever you’re at now. And I’d love to hear: What are you most looking forward to reading/watching/doing this spring? Share in the comments!

Leave a comment

xo,

Pooja

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Hi, folks!

Welcome to the newcomers who heard me speak at SXSW. I’m glad you’re here.

Earlier this month I was on NPR 1A talking about something I don't think we discuss honestly enough: what happens after the big mistake. Not the mistake itself, but the aftermath of it.

The most damaging part of a big mistake isn’t the screw up — it’s what you make it mean about you afterward.

As an author who writes openly about her life (especially here), I’ve made some very public mistakes of my own: leaving medicine, getting involved in a cult, having to rebuild my career and my life.

Here's what I know to be true, both personally and clinically: the mistake is survivable. The shame is what takes people down.

We’ve all made mistakes and suffered the consequences, but we make things even worse when we refuse to talk about them or stay swimming inside of our own shame.

So today, I want to shed some light on why making mistakes is not only human, but counter-intui…

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Hi folks,

I took the twins to physical therapy on Friday. They’re 8.5 months old (6.5 adjusted), and they’re working on rolling over more confidently and learning to sit up.

At the session, I had a little Aha moment that I wanted to share with you. The PT was explaining something I couldn't stop thinking about.

When a baby reaches with their right arm, they need to bend their left leg to shift their weight — and vice versa. It’s called cross-coordination. My girls were doing the opposite, which was throwing them off balance. And when they were on their backs trying to roll over, sometimes they’d just flail because they forgot they could tuck their arm and turn.

Here’s what struck me: they knew how to do it. The PT showed one of them the right pattern once or twice, and she got it immediately. Her whole body reorganized. She reached the toy with her left arm, and shifted her weight to her right leg smoothly.

This is exactly what happens psychologically during stress and transition.

We flail…

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If you joined recently, I wanted to share one more idea I’ve been thinking about since last week’s piece.

A pattern that I’m seeing right now, both clinically and culturally, is this:

When the system stops making sense, we assume the problem is us.

It shows up as a low-grade, constantly questioning. For me, it’s recently looked like comparing myself to other authors or speakers, and wondering if I measure up.

But, when I get curious about my insecurities, I remember the context. I’m a woman of color in an industry that is being gutted (publishing) and in a state of massive transition (AI).

When I zoom out, I remember that much of what I’m responding to is not a personal failure. It’s that the rules themselves have become unstable.

The institutions we used to rely on no longer hold our trust. There’s no clear authority telling us what “good enough” even is anymore, because as soon as you get to the next milestone, you still feel as though it could “poof” disappear at a moment’…

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Hi folks,

The confidence struggle never goes away. It just changes shape. I’m a psychiatrist who wrote the book on self-care — and right now, I am in the spiral.

I’ve been heads-down writing QUANTUM SHIFTS all year. The deadline is in three weeks. And instead of feeling proud, my brain is running worst-case scenarios on loop. What if this book doesn’t land the way the first one did? What if I don’t get booked on the same podcasts? What if I don’t belong here anymore?

Over the years I’ve developed three questions I return to whenever confidence collapses and the “what ifs” take over. Today I’m sharing all three questions with paid subscribers — along with my own answers, right now, in the middle of one of the most high-stakes moments of my career. They’re clinically grounded, field-tested on myself in real time, and they work not by making you feel better but by helping you see clearly.

If you’ve ever needed to show up and weren’t sure you could — this is exactly for you. Today is the day to go paid.

xo, Pooja

Get the 3 questions

I’m submitting the first draft of my next book, QUANTUM SHIFTS, in three weeks. This apparently means that book launch anxiety has decided to clock in a year early (it will be published by Penguin Life in Spring 2027).

I can feel the stress arriving in my body in this specific, familiar way — it feels like getting hit by a bus or a train. (That might sound dramatic, but it feels accurate.) It’s a palpable pressure, an awareness of how visible I am as a public figure, a panic to make sure I’m maximizing every moment of this important step in my career.

I’m coming out of the fun part of book writing — the expansive, protected-from-metrics part — where it was just me and my ideas. In that cocoon, I felt grounded and steady.

Now, my mind jumps into hyperspeed, spinning up hundreds of “what ifs.” What if this book doesn’t do as well as Real Self-Care? What if I don’t get invited back to the same caliber of podcasts? What if I don’t expand my audience?

When this happens, I ask myself three questions.

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Hi folks,

I didn’t watch the State of the Union last night. I hope you didn’t torture yourself with it either. Today, I wanted to share my most recent thoughts on where we are as a country here in the U.S.

Over the past five years or so, every few months I have a moment where I feel convinced that my family needs to flee the U.S. I think about where to move and Google how hard it would be to get a medical license abroad. Most recently I wondered whether 529 funds are usable outside the U.S.

This probably doesn’t come as a surprise to you, and I imagine many of you have had similar moments over the past few years. As Americans, we have become increasingly fluent in the language of crisis. We can name corruption, inequality, authoritarianism, and collapse wit…

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Hello folks,

This year, this newsletter is focused on how we navigate change — not just the big dramatic transitions, but also the ones that affect roles we’ve inhabited for years. Daughtering is one of those roles: inherited, rarely interrogated, and one of the hardest patterns to change.

So, when I heard about ’s new book, Good Daughtering (out Feb. 17; you can preorder now!), I knew I needed to talk to her for this newsletter. Alford is a communication expert, author, and speaker whose work centers on the often invisible roles women play in their families and communities. In her book, she describes the very specific caretaking and kingiving work that daughters take on — and uses psychology to help readers figure out how to take back their agency in this familial role.

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Hi folks,

2025 is almost over — and I think many of us are relieved. This year brought so many challenges with it (so many external things we have so little power over), and everyone seemed to strain under their weight. And yet, as with any rough patch, there were also bright moments of hope and joy.

My personal and professional life had so many ups and downs this year, and I loved being able to share them here with all of you. It was a special experience for me to go through a life-changing event (having twins!) and be able to write about real self-care in real time.

I’m also proud of how I pushed myself professionally, did even more public speaking, talked to fascinating people, and grew as an author (one of my biggest goals for 2025). Allow me to share some of my favorite RSC happenings before I sign off for the rest of the year. The newsletter will be back January 7, and I’ll have some updates on what RSC will look like in 2026 soon.

Till then, THANK YOU for sharing your time and attention with me. And I want to give special thanks to my paid subscribers — you help make this newsletter more sustainable for me to write, and to pay the people who help me create it, and I’m so grateful.

The RSC highlights of 2025:

1. I started building the RSC 101 series highlighting the four real self-care principles I outline in the Real Self-Care book: boundaries, compassion, values, and power. (Power still coming your way in 2026!) These are meant to be an unpaywalled resource to you, always. My goal is to build a repository of my work and my views outside of my books. I am happy that I was able to work towards this goal in 2025.

2. I launched a paid subscriber-only series called A Closer Look where I was able to more deeply explore topics that interested me that might not neatly fit under the RSC umbrella. How to think about midlife was perhaps my favorite to write because it’s a topic that is on my mind, on the minds of so many of my patients, and also in the zeitgeist. This was also my biggest converting post — 48 of you became paid subscribers!

3. This AMA, especially the question about how to survive in these unprecedented, unrelenting times, is one I keep coming back to. Let me take this space to remind you that many of us are actively grieving, and, like I say in the piece: “We need rest. We need comfort. We need solace and sanctuary. That does not mean that we will not fight. We will, in the ways that are smart and strategic and effective. But, right now, we need to not give our attention away to every piece of nonsense that crosses our timelines.”

4. My most vulnerable post in 2025 was this AMA about being pregnant with twins, and my own doubts and challenges along the way. It was really nice to feel the support of this community, both in sharing my happy news and my physical and mental struggles. I received a number of very kind messages from you (I love to read your replies and I do write back so feel free to ping me feedback — or just say hi! — anytime).

5. It was such a great feeling to bring the words of , RSC’s editor, and , my research assistant, to the newsletter. They both contributed moving personal essays while I was on parental leave. Both of them are amazing women doing freelance writing, editing, and research work, and it makes me really happy to be able to support both of their livelihoods and to be able to share their work with my audience. And if you’re a paying subscriber to RSC, you support them as well!

6. Professionally, this was a year of coming back “home” to my identity as an author and writer. I am celebrating that! In August I sold the proposal for my second book QUANTUM SHIFTS. I’m working again with the same imprint and team that I published Real Self-Care under — Penguin Life and my editor Meg Leder. I’m so grateful. Writing a first book wasn’t a fluke — people are betting on me to do it again, and I’m betting on myself. I cut back on some other income streams this year (like consulting work) to focus on writing the book. And, of course, my baby twins take up a lot of my time in a lot of new ways, too. It’s all a work in progress, and I’m happy to be figuring it out day by day.

Before I go — don’t forget to set your holiday boundaries that actually work. And if you’ll be looking back over the past year and/or planning for the next one soon, remember that you don’t have to be someone new.

xo,

Pooja

From the Real Self-Care archives:

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📚 Order my book, Real Self-Care, as an e-book, hardcover, or audiobook.

💬 Hire me for a real self-care keynote by sending a message on my website.

📲 For more about letting go of control, read Thoughts on Perfectionism.

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Hi folks,

I hope you enjoyed some restful time off last week, but if your Thanksgiving gathering was stressful instead, I wouldn’t be surprised. The holiday season is notoriously grueling for many of my patients (and for me, too). One antidote to that chaos is to pick and choose what rituals and activities are aligned with your values — which is why now is the perfect time to for me to share a Values 101 refresher. I hope these tools help you find some ease as we go into the busiest time of the year.

In my book, Real Self-Care, I write about four real self-care principles:

1. Boundaries

2. Compassion

3. Values

4. Power

I’ve already written about everything you need to know about Boundaries and Compassion here in the newsletter. Refer back to those to keep building your RSC tool bag.

For today’s letter, I’m giving you a Values 101 lesson — because once you know your values, you better know yourself and the life you want to live. And that means you’ll be better to others, too.

(This post, and all RSC principle posts, will always remain free for all readers.)

Let’s dive in.

xo,

Pooja

Values 101

Real self-care brings you closer to yourself. When you feel connected to your values and are engaged with activities that align with them, life can feel a lot easier and more fulfilling.

Most of us can easily name a goal we have, like “I want to run a marathon this year” or “I want to be off my phone by 9 p.m. every night.” Goals are great! But values are different — these are desired qualities of action.

If goals are the things that you do, values are the way that you do them. Picture a road trip: goals are the destinations, while values are how it feels to be in the car along the way.

What values do you hold and embody while working toward (and sometimes fumbling) your goals? How do you want to show up? What kind of person do you want to be? What really matters to you?

If you aren’t sure, that’s okay. The first step is to clearly identify your values so they can help us prioritize and make clear choices every day.

Build your values list

Everyone’s constellation of top values will look a bit different. Take a few minutes to write down a long list of your own, then choose your top five. Write them down and keep them nearby as a reminder of what does and does not belong in your life.

Choose one value over another

Here’s a list of 25 common values to help you brainstorm:

• Autonomy

• Adventure

• Authenticity

• Caring

• Community

• Compassion

• Courage

• Creativity

• Curiosity

• Flexibility

• Generosity

• Honesty

• Hope

• Humility

• Humor

• Integrity

• Justice

• Leadership

• Playfulness

• Risk-taking

• Responsibility

• Self-awareness

• Service

• Spirituality

• Understanding

What I know to be true for me

It’s time for you to get to know yourself better. Answer these questions with the first though that comes to mind and save it to your Notes app.

1. I’m happiest when _____.

2. I feel most like myself when I am _____.

3. I am bound to fail when _____.

4. I know that I cannot do _____ and be _____.

When you’re done, read through your responses, match them to your values, and notice if there are any contradictions — and why that might be.

Create your Real Self-Care Compass

Now, let’s start applying your values to real-life goals and decisions. The Real Self-Care Compass is built on three questions: What, How, and Why.

WHAT: Pick one goal for each area of your life, aka career, family, and yourself.

HOW: Reflect on how you want to accomplish these goals with your values list in hand.

WHY: Identify your personal manifesto, the raw truth of who you are and what nourishes you.

Here’s one of my own examples:

WHAT: Write a book about how we’ve got self-care all wrong, and what we need to be doing instead.

HOW: With boldness, authenticity, and compassion for myself and my readers.

WHY: Because what fees me is connection, meaningful conversation, and understanding the internal world of myself and others.

Now, go ahead and pick a few WHATs, and create compasses of your own.

Feeling out of alignment? Use your values.

If your life is feeling out of whack, turn inward. Use your values to more clearly understand what you want and need in life.

When you’re facing a hard decision, running toward that choice and using your values will give you the clarity you need.

Keep in mind that as you grow and change, your values will too. It’s a good idea to review your values at least once a year to realign them with your current experiences and mindset.

The clarity that comes from making a clear decision and from understanding why you are making this decision is energizing. Every time you make a proactive choice (instead of letting life happen to you), you’re practicing self-care. Once you feel true ownership over your life, you’ll never want to lose it again.

From the Real Self-Care archives:

Paid subscribers get full access to the Real Self-Care archives.

Subscribe now

You are reading Real Self-Care, the weekly email newsletter written by psychiatrist and bestselling author Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD.

Share

📚 Order my book, Real Self-Care, as an e-book, hardcover, or audiobook.

💬 Hire me for a real self-care keynote by sending a message on my website.

📲 For more on the importance of turning toward tough feelings and decisions, check out Dig Into Dread.

Read more